Valor, Venom and Other Stuff
by Red Witch
Summary: So what really happened during the movie 'Valor vs. Venom? Hawk is forced to disclose the shocking truth in this completed fic. In other words the movie is going to be seriously trashed. You have been warned.
1. Hey A Movie!

**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any GI Joe or Evolution characters has gone on a little vacation along with my brain. Well I decided it was time I played around with the new Valor VS. Venom movie and put my own spin on it. Since there are mutants in the movie naturally I decided to use the Misfits as well. If you don't know who they are, go ahead to my profile and read a few stories. For those of you who are familiar, you'll enjoy this little parody as the Misfits learn about…**

**Valor, Venom and Other Stuff**

**Chapter 1: Hey a Movie! **

General Hawk had decided on having a quiet evening working on some paperwork. It had been a rather hectic week and he decided to take advantage of the peace and quiet.

He should have known it wasn't going to last.

"General!" Roadblock walked in. "We have a problem."

"Well hello Roadblock just come right on in," Hawk sighed.

"Sorry sir, but I thought I'd warn you before the kids got here," Roadblock said. "You need to cover your rear!"

"All right what did the Misfits do this time?" Hawk sighed. "The short painful version."

"We went to the movie theater down in Crosstown…" Roadblock began.

"And they blew it up," Hawk sighed.

"No sir," Roadblock said. "Actually they were unusually well behaved during the fic. That's the problem."

"What do you mean?"

"Remember five years ago that crazy director made that movie about Project Venom?" Roadblock asked. "And how the Pentagon's lawyers tried to keep it from being shown? I hate to say it, but among the Misfits…It's pretty well known."

"WHAT?" Hawk sat up. "I thought the head of the studio shelved that movie!"

"He did, the new head of the studio un-shelved it," Roadblock told him. "It's been out for two weeks."

"And the kids just saw it **today?**" Hawk winced. "Why didn't you make them blow up the movie theater?"

"You know the movie is an edited version of what happened," Roadblock said.

"Thank god for small favors," Hawk groaned. "But they still want to know the whole story right?"

"Oh yeah," Roadblock nodded. "And Trinity got a hold of the documents detailing what really happened."

"Oh god!" Hawk threw up his hands.

"But they won't say what's in them," Roadblock said. "Because they want to see if you'll admit what happened first."

"Remind me to kill Shipwreck," Hawk said. "Half of this is his fault anyway!"

"What did my father do?" Wavedancer, the leader of the Misfits burst in. The rest of her team was behind her.

"Yo Hawk we didn't know you were a movie star!" Toad hopped up and down.

"Is it true that Cobra mutated entire towns?" The Scarlet Witch asked.

"And you got turned into a mutant too?" Quicksilver asked. "You never told us that!"

"Are you still a mutant?" Xi asked.

"And how come this is the first we've heard about it?" Wavedancer asked.

"Were you really that big?" Blob asked. "And purple like Barney the dinosaur?"

"Could you take Barney the dinosaur in a fight?" Arcade asked.

"One at a time! One at a time!" Hawk held up his hands. "All right obviously you have a few questions."

"And we know the answers," Trinity said as they floated in. The preteen triplets grinned.

"I'll bet you do," Hawk glared at them. "I'm guessing it won't work if I say the mission was top secret and classified?"

"Bingo," Quicksilver nodded. "So spill it! Tell us the real story!"

"Yeah any idiot who knows you guys can figure out that movie left out a few things," Blob said.

"Well you hit that on the head," Hawk muttered underneath his breath.

"To your credit Blob you're right," Roadblock said. "There are a lot of things we had to edit from that fight!"

"Obviously the movie didn't show **everything!**" Hawk sighed. "We kind of left out a few details…"

"So what **really** happened?" Wavedancer asked.

"We wanna know everything!" Avalanche said. "Come on!"

"Fine, sit down and I'll tell you the whole story…" Hawk sighed. "The whole thing happened about 18 years ago. First of all Cobra was taking DNA from animals at the zoo and planning on using them to create armies of super soldiers."

"Not exactly their first attempt," Xi said. "I should know."

"Yeah well while Cobra was planning their latest attack on the world, I was with the Joes on an important…mission," Hawk fidgeted with his tie. "Little did I know I was about to be ambushed."

"You mean at that paintball game with the kids right?" Avalanche asked.

"There was no paintball game," Roadblock admitted. "And there certainly weren't any kids there."

"This is where the movie slightly diverges from fiction," Hawk groaned.

"Why? Where were you?" Wavedancer asked.

"I was afraid you would ask that…" Hawk groaned. "And part of the blame belongs with your father!"

"Wait, you guys weren't where I think you were…" Wavedancer blinked. "If I know my father…You weren't"

"Unfortunately girl, your instincts were right," Roadblock sighed. "And that's how it started off as a very long night!"

**So where were Hawk and the Joes really at? Wait and see as I parody the movie! He he…**


	2. Joes Just Wanna Have Fun

**Joes Just Wanna Have Fun**

18 years ago…

"We've tracked the target down to these coordinates," Dusty reported on his two-way radio. "Do we flank 'em General Hawk?"

"No, we're going straight in," Hawk told Dusty. He was riding along with Duke. Dusty and Roadblock were in the other jeep. "What were they thinking going in there alone?"

"I just hope we get there before it's too late," Roadblock said. "And Shipwreck and the General don't meet a nasty fate."

"Odds don't look too good," Hawk said. "But when has that ever stopped us before?"

"We're here!" Duke pulled the jeep up to their destination. "I've got the stun gun ready just in case."

"Let's go! Move out!" Hawk ordered as they rushed the door and busted it in.

"IS EVERYBODY HAPPY?" Shipwreck shouted amid the shrieks of high-pitched laughter.

"Oh this is marvelous! Marvelous!" General Whithalf danced onstage with two bikini-clad girls.

"We're too late General," Duke sighed. "They're drunk already."

"A strip club…" Hawk rolled his eyes. "Of course Shipwreck would bring General Whithalf to a **strip club!**"

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_"Well I can't say I'm shocked," Quicksilver shook his head. "No wonder you had to change a few things around in the movie!" _

_"Wait a minute," Wavedancer said. "I thought my father was on that island testing that rainmaking machine? Like in the movie."_

_"No, that was another example of creative editing by the writer," Hawk admitted. "Can I continue the story now?" _

_"Go ahead," Blob nodded. _

_"Fine," Hawk sighed. "Well we tracked them down to the strip club and we went inside. Big mistake…"_

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_"You've lost that loving feeling! Ooooh! That loving feeling…" _Shipwreck, General Whithalf and Dusty sang with some strippers in colorful costumes.

"Note to self, ban the movie 'Top Gun' for life from the Pit," Hawk winced. "Roadblock do something!"

"**He's** top brass," Roadblock pointed at Whithalf. "You tell him not to stare at some stripper's…"

"I get the message!" Hawk said. "General please! We need to escort you back to the base!"

"Oh don't be such a fuddy duddy!" General Whithalf laughed. He took out some whipped cream. "Let's have a whipped cream fight!"

"Let's not and say we did!" Hawk moaned. "Shipwreck!"

"Now don't blame this fine young man," Whithalf said. "He was only following orders to show me a good time."

"And those were good orders General," Shipwreck grinned.

"Sir, I don't think your **wife** would appreciate these type of orders," Hawk snapped. "And she's back at the base terrorizing the motor pool!"

A huge muscular black haired stripper in a red and black outfit shot something at General Whithalf. "Heads up General!"

"AAHHHH!" Hawk dove in front of Whithalf and was immediately splattered with whipped cream.

"He's hit!" Whithalf shouted. "Man down! Man down!"

"Now this is just plain embarrassing," Hawk looked at his uniform.

"Aw lookit what Lulu Belle did," Shipwreck hiccuped. "Bad Lulu Belle."

"Oopsie!" Lulu Belle grabbed Hawk by the arm. "Right this way! We'll have you cleaned up in no time!" She shoved him through to the back rooms.

"Uh, Miss that's not really necessary," Hawk gulped. He could hear the others having a great time. "I'm never going to get them out of here at this rate."

"Oh I don't know," Lulu Belle said. "You might leave earlier than you think General Hawk of GI Joe."

"What?" Hawk startled. At that time very few people outside the Pentagon even knew about GI Joe, much less who was in it. He was even more startled when Lulu Belle whacked him on the back of the head and kicked him down.

"Excellent work," The Baroness appeared out of the shadows. "The plan worked perfectly."

'Lulu Belle' removed 'her' face. "This is the most degrading thing I have ever done," Destro grunted. He looked down at himself. "Although I must admit these latex body disguises are quite convincing. A little too convincing for my tastes."

"Destro my darling you've never looked so attractive," The Baroness chuckled.

"This is not funny!" Destro snapped.

"Yes it is," The Baroness said. "At least we accomplished our objective, to capture a general. Hawk will do quite nicely."

"I don't see why **you **couldn't put on the outfit!" Destro snapped. "I mean come on, look at me! I look like Michael Jackson with one plastic surgery too many! You're obviously more suited for this particular disguise than I am!"

"And you are obviously suited for marriage," The Baroness said. "Yet you refuse to discuss the possibility anyway."

"Oh lord…" Destro put his hand on his face. "Not this…"

"Oh yes, **this!**" The Baroness snapped. "Do you have any idea what kind of **sacrifices** I have made all these years? And yet when it's time for **you** to shoulder some of the responsibility in our relationship, you chicken out!"

"Yes, now I remember why I agreed to do humiliate myself like this," Destro sighed. "It's coming back to me now."

"And it's not like you've been such a **saint!**" The Baroness went on. "For crying out loud you had a child with another woman! Of course the fact that you didn't marry her **either **should have been a hint but do I turn my back on you? Do I?"

"All right, all right…" Destro winced. "You've made your point."

"Why do you have such problems with commitment?" The Baroness asked. "I know you had issues with your mother but for crying out loud…"

Hawk meanwhile had gotten his second wind but was still in total shock. "Destro? What in the world…?"

"It was either **this **or couple's therapy…" Destro sighed. "At least this way I save a few hundred dollars." He checked his costume and pulled out a few bills. "Actually I think I've made a few…"

"Are you still conscious?" The Baroness looked at Hawk. She took out her taser. "This should take care of it."

"I hope you have something to get rid of this chafing," Destro muttered. "These false pasties are killing me!"

And then everything went mercifully black.

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_"Well no wonder you didn't want anyone to know," Avalanche blinked. _

_"That's gotta be the most humiliating capture story I've ever heard," Quicksilver said._

_"I'm afraid it gets worse…" Roadblock told them._

_"A **lot** worse…" Hawk moaned. _

_"You mean the being turned into a monster and forced to fight your team mates part?" Toad asked. "Yeah I can see that would be pretty bad."_

_"Actually **that **wasn't the scary part," Roadblock sighed. "That was kind of mild compared to what happened next." _

_"Don't remind me…" Hawk moaned. _


	3. Where in the World is General Hawk?

**Where in the World is General Hawk?**

"How could you lose a general?" Scarlet snapped at the group three hours later. She and Mainframe had decided to track down the people who were supposed to track down General Whithalf and Shipwreck. While Mainframe was reporting in from the jeep, Scarlet was giving the search party a piece of her mind.

"Well we kind of got distracted," Dusty sheepishly admitted.

"I can see **that**," Scarlet glared at him and their surroundings. "Duke, Roadblock I'm really mad at the two of you! I mean I expect something like this from the others. And Shipwreck here is a no brainer. Not that he has a brain to begin with…"

"I'm afraid I have to shoulder some of the blame," General Whithalf fidgeted. "I did kind of start that feather boa competition after the whipped cream fight. And I did get carried away by tying the first sergeant up…"

"You think?" Duke muttered under his breath as he spat out some feathers. "But it was Roadblock monopolizing that one hooker for an hour that shocked me!"

"Look it's not what you think," Roadblock said. "Turns out she's putting her way through culinary school and we started to talk about recipes. Then we got into risotto recipes and you know how it goes."

"Yeah the last time he argued five hours straight with that White House chef on what kind of white wine was best for cooking," Dusty said.

"All right," Scarlet sighed. "The point is because of your irresponsible behavior, General Hawk was kidnapped!"

"What makes you say that?" Shipwreck asked.

"Well this latex mask I found out back is a pretty good clue," Scarlet brought it out. "Also the Hawk's communicator was smashed. Not to mention one of the strippers mentioned seeing a man in a silver mask taking off in a vehicle with a Cobra insignia on it. He was also seen arguing with a dark haired woman wearing black leather and glasses."

"He was kidnapped all right," Duke's eyes narrowed.

"Destro and the Baroness!" Roadblock exclaimed.

"Oh my," Whithalf blinked. "This is not good is it?"

"I'm afraid it's just got worse," Mainframe walked in with a large communicator device. "The President is calling for Hawk! It's urgent!"

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_"Wait a minute," Toad held up his hand. "I'm confused now. In the movie you weren't there Roadblock. And this guy Hi Tech was the one who said the president was calling! Why weren't you and Mainframe in the movie?"_

_"Simple," Roadblock said. "We had better lawyers to keep us out of the picture. That's why!"_

_"Besides that Hi Tech guy was played by what's his name?" Avalanche said. "The actor who made all those chick flicks then decided to do something macho to boost his image." _

_"Yeah and that Heavy Duty guy was played by that pro football player turned actor!" Blob said. "Isn't he the governor of some Midwest state now?" _

_"So in other words they replaced Roadblock and Mainframe with two made up characters?" Quicksilver asked. _

_"They can do that?" Xi asked. "Just make up characters and fit them into established groups? Sounds odd to me." _

_"It does seem kind of phony doesn't it?" Wavedancer thought._

_"Oh they do it all the time on the Internet," Arcade waved. "Actually it's more entertaining than the real shows sometimes." _

_"Can we get back to the story here?" The Scarlet Witch asked. "So then what happened Roadblock?"_

_"Like we were saying," Roadblock said. "The President of the US of A had made a call. And without Hawk around we needed to stall." _

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"Uh, one moment please?" Dusty gulped as he had been handed the gauntlet video phone. "Mr. President sir, uh…We'll be with you in a minute. But first…Some soothing music. Please hold." He quickly handed it to Shipwreck.

"What?" Shipwreck hissed. He looked confused. "Uh, _I come home in the morning light, my mother says 'When are you gonna live your life right'? Oh mama dear we are the fortunate ones, and girls they wanna have fu-un! Oh girls just wanna have fun!" _

"Are you insane?" Duke hissed as he dragged Dusty away. "You just put the President **on hold?**"

"Well I didn't see **you **coming up with any ideas!" Dusty snapped.

"Look we have to answer the call or else we are all headed for a fall!" Roadblock said. "General sir, you are the highest ranking member here…"

"Uh, do me a favor please?" Whithalf gulped. "Don't tell him I'm here. Please?"

"Why sir?" Scarlet asked. "If I may ask?"

"Let's just say I owe him money and a new dog and leave it at that," General Whithalf sighed. "Result of a golf game that went terribly wrong. Not to mention the First Lady is still miffed at me for what I did in the Rose Garden."

"Oh lord…" Duke rolled his eyes.

_'They just wanna! They just wanna!" _Shipwreck kept singing and dancing around on the communicator. _"Girls just wanna have fun!" _

"Give me that!" Duke grabbed it from him. "Uh, sorry about that Mr. President."

"Oh that's all right," The President said. "He was quite good. Reminds me of my old acting days. Where's General Hawk?"

"Sir I hate to tell you this but…" Duke took a deep breath. "We believe General Hawk has just been kidnapped by Cobra."

"I was afraid of something like this," The President said. "If what my advisers tell me is true, Hawk may be in big trouble."

"What kind of trouble sir?" Duke asked.

"Duke when was the last time you went to the zoo?" The President asked.

"Not counting last week when we escorted you to see your old friend sir?" Duke asked.

"Oh yes," The President said. "I'd forgotten about that. Bongo looked wonderful didn't he? But that's not the issue. We believe that somehow Cobra is involved with a raid last night on the National Park Zoo! We've intercepted reports that they are going to use some kind of DNA experimentation. I need you to go there and see what you can find."

"Right away Mr. President," Duke nodded. "Duke out." He turned off the communicator. "All right, Dusty bring General Whithalf back to the Pit for safety. The rest of us are going to take a little trip to the zoo. The search for Hawk begins now!"

"Sure," Shipwreck quipped. "Where else would you find a kidnapped general?"

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Meanwhile in a remote Cobra base Hawk was waking up. "Oh I really gotta stop eating those spicy foods before bed…" He muttered. He found himself strapped to a medical table. "What in the world?" He looked up from where he was held when he heard an explosion.

"BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!" Cobra Commander laughed as he used a small laser to blow up a scale model of a city. "Take that, bowling alley! Take that Moe's tavern! Take that nuclear power plant! Ha! Ha!"

"Oh lord," Destro sighed as he stood nearby. "I told him not to have all that coffee."

"What in the Sam Hill is going on here?" Hawk shouted.

"Oh you're awake General? There is such beauty in destruction, don't you think?" Cobra Commander asked. He then noticed that his model set was on fire. "AGGH! FIRE! FIRE! SOMEBODY GET ME AN EXTINGUISHER NOW!"

Several troopers and BATS scurried around. "COME ON! COME ON! NO THAT'S ALCOHOL YOU IDIOT! NOW IT'S EVEN BIGGER! GET ME A FIRE EXTINGUISHER BEFORE IT GETS TO…OH GREAT NOW ONE OF THE BAT'S ARE ON FIRE! SOMEBODY PUT IT OUT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T FIND A FIRE EXTINGUISHER? WE HAVE A FIVE BILLION DOLLAR SECRET BASE AND NOWHERE IN SIGHT IS A LOUSY FIVE BUCK…"

"Allow me," Destro sighed as he pressed a button on his right gauntlet. It spewed out some flame retardant that put out the fires. "You have to admit Hawk, **that **was entertaining," Destro said.

"What is this place?" Hawk asked.

"This is the Viper Pit, General," Cobra Commander said. "Your new home!"

"We'd like to offer you a new job," Destro said.

"I will not do any lap dances with you Destro," Hawk glared at him.

"What?" Cobra Commander looked at Destro. "What did he say?"

"Never mind!" Destro said quickly. "Forget it."

"Oh I think Cobra Commander might find this interesting," Hawk grinned.

"NO HE WON'T!" Destro snapped. "Just get on with it, Cobra Commander."

"Fine! Overkill! Commence the demonstration!" Cobra Commander ordered. In walked a half man, half machine monstrosity with his mouth covered by a green cloth.

"Not my job," Overkill said. "Not my job, not my job. Mindbender's job. Mindbender's job. Definitely Mindbender's job. Definitely Mindbender's job. Judge Wapner goes on at two. Almost time for Wapner…"

"Commander I believe this proves Mindbender's point for him needing new funds for the robotics program," Destro motioned. "And if **this **doesn't prove it I don't know **what** will!"

"Definitely time for Wapner…" Overkill sputtered.

"Yeah," Cobra Commander put his hand to his helmet in a show of utter humiliation. "I'll do that. Stupid piece of metal…MINDBENDER! GET ME MINDBENDER RIGHT NOW! MINDBENER WHERE ARE YOU? YOU BUMBLING…"

"Forgive me Cobra Commander," Dr. Mindbender hurriedly walked in with the Baroness behind him. "I didn't think that General Hawk would revive so quickly."

"Well he did!" Cobra Commander snapped at him. "Do have any idea how much that stupid android of yours made me look like a fool?"

"Don't be so modest Commander. Actually you were doing quite well on your own," Hawk quipped.

"SHUT UP!" Cobra Commander snapped. He looked back at Mindbender. "See what I mean? All the dramatic tension is gone! I was really building up to something too."

"I'm sorry Commander," Mindbender apologized. "But there were matters I had to attend to with the Baroness. We were in conference on important strategies."

"Days of Our Lives at one!" Overkill sputtered. "Big wedding on Friday! Bo and Hope! Bo and Hope!"

"SHUT UP YOU METALLIC STOOL PIGEON!" The Baroness snapped.

"Oh for crying out loud!" Cobra Commander snapped. "You two better have taped that episode or there will be hell to pay!"

"Excuse me," Hawk called out. "But is there a point to my being captured here?"

"I was getting to that when the not so dynamic duo here interrupted me!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Where was I again?"

"You were going to show the General our latest weapon," Destro reminded him.

"Oh yes," Cobra Commander said. "Prepare our latest subject! And when I say subject, I mean victim!"

A hapless prisoner in a polar trooper's uniform was brought in inside a huge metallic pod with a glass front. "Bring me the Fangblade!" Cobra Commander called out.

"It's not a blade, definitely not a blade…" Overkill sputtered as he handed Cobra Commander a long gold staff with a glowing green gem on top of it.

"Well I can see that," Cobra Commander reached to take it from Overkill.

"Definitely a staff," Overkill held onto it out of reach. "Yeah definitely a staff. Not a blade."

"I know it's a staff," Cobra Commander reached for it again.

"Why call it a Fangblade? It doesn't have fangs or a blade," Overkill asked. "Definitely no fangs…"

"I THOUGHT THE NAME WAS COOL! SO GIVE IT TO ME!" Cobra Commander yanked it from Overkill's arms. One of them fell out of Overkill's socket and still held onto the staff. "All right Mindbender! You've made your point! I'll get you the stupid funding for your robotics' project!" He yanked off the arm and threw it away.

"Overkill does have a point," Mindbender thought. "Why not call it a Fangstaff?"

"I know why…" The Baroness snickered. "I overheard him in the bathroom the other day. That's what he calls his…"

"THANK YOU VERY MUCH BARONESS!" Cobra Commander snapped.  
"THAT'S ENOUGH!"

"I did not need to know that," Hawk winced. "I did not **want** to know that!"

"**No one** wanted to know **that**," Destro winced.

"WILL ALL OF YOU JUST SHUT UP?" Cobra Commander snapped. "The point is, the one who controls the Fang…This thing here, controls my genetically enhanced troops!"

"Genetically enhanced?" Hawk asked. "Like what? As in adding some kind of animal DNA to your victims so that they'd be mindless unstoppable soldiers for Cobra?"

"Yeah, How'd you know?" Mindbender asked.

"So much for the element of surprise," Cobra Commander threw up his hands.

"That's diabolical and insane!" Hawk snapped.

"And apparently predictable," Destro remarked. "I told you…"

"Okay! Okay! You were right! He wasn't impressed! Are you happy?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Very," Destro smirked.

"Well you're gonna get a demonstration **anyway!**" Cobra Commander snapped. "To prepare you for the fate that awaits you, Hawk!"

"Which species do you wish to use?" Destro asked as he opened a briefcase filled with vials.

"Surprise me!" Cobra Commander said as he grabbed one and attached it to a small spout on the Fangblade.

"You see General," Mindbender grinned. "All life is made from DNA and my genius…"

"Yada, yada, yada…" Cobra Commander snapped. "Actions speak louder than words, Mindbender!" He used the staff to shoot a strange light at the victim. "YEAH!"

The victim was bathed in light and convulsed for a moment. Hawk watched in horror as the subject was transformed into something inhuman.

"This is not good..." Hawk gulped.

**Next: The Joes make a new friend and get into a tricky situation! **


	4. The New Zoo Review

**The New Zoo Review**

"I'm telling you I don't know what hit me," The security guard at the National Park Zoo said. "I heard this weird noise and the next thing I knew I was out like a light. Too bad the security cameras didn't get anything."

"Not yet," Mainframe worked on the images. "I came up with this. It's a way to change the photograph by digitally enhancing the pictures. Here we go." Several strange floating objects with Cobra insignias on them were shown. "UCOs, Unidentified Creeping Objects."

"Now we know that Cobra is involved in this for sure," Duke said.

"And knowing is…" Shipwreck began.

"Shipwreck you finish that line and you have KP Duty until the millenium," Duke told him. "I've seen these things before. They were used in Cobra medical labs to take blood and DNA off their subjects."

"But why would Cobra steal animal DNA from a zoo?" Scarlet asked.

"Well the National Zoo is the largest collection of animals from around the world in the US," Mainframe said. "But why is another story."

"Hey! Something's going on!" The security guard pointed to a monitor. "It's the beaver exhibit! Those things are going wild!"

"We'd better get down there and check it out," Duke said.

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_"Wait a minute!" Quicksilver interrupted. **"Beavers?** The movie said it was a **bear **going crazy!"_

_"Again creative writing," Roadblock told him. "Come on, which sounds more ferocious? A wild bear going on a rampage or a bunch of beavers?" _

_"He has a point," Avalanche agreed. "I'd go with the bear." _

_"Yeah it does sound a little more exciting," Blob agreed. "Actually a lot more exciting."_

_"You ever fight a bunch of beavers?" Roadblock asked. "Believe me, it's not exactly a piece of cake!" _

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"Wow, I never saw a bunch of beavers go crazy before," Mainframe blinked as he looked inside the pen. "Those little guys are gnawing on everything in sight!"

"We've gotta do something!" The security guard said. "Those poor beavers could hurt themselves!"

"Some of them still have darts on their backs," Mainframe pointed out.

"All right," Duke sighed. "I know it's not our usual line of work, but…"

"Hold it right there soldier boy!" A thin African American in a lab coat and red glasses strode up to them. He had a high pitched nasal voice that made him sound more like Urkel than an imposing figure. "You touch my beavers and I will feed you to them piece by piece!"

"Well that brought up a disturbing image," Roadblock winced.

"And you are?" Duke asked.

"Dr. Lincoln Talbot! I'm the zoo's chief veterinarian and animal behavior specialist!" Dr. Talbot huffed. "These are my animals! And I'm not gonna let you hurt them!" He stood eye to eye with Duke. Well as much as he could since he was a good foot and a half shorter than him. "Do I make my self clear, solider boy?"

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_"Now this is getting crazy," Firestar said. "I mean this guy doesn't sound **anything** like the vet we saw in the **movie!"**_

_"Yeah that guy was a hunk!" Brittany called out._

_"Very studly," Quinn agreed. "But the guy you're describing seems like a…"_

_"A dud," Daria added. "Not a stud." _

_"Creative writing strikes again," Roadblock explained. "But those writers did get his attitude right…" _

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"I am going to look after my animals, my way! Get the point!" Dr. Talbot hissed in a high tone.

"Everybody can use some back up," Duke said calmly as possible.

"You're right! Here! Hold my coat!" Dr. Talbot tried to throw his lab coat at Duke but he missed and it hit the ground. A big surprise since he was standing not even a foot away from Duke. "Wait a minute! Here! Oh Damnit!" He snapped as he missed again. "Could you just…?"

"Yeah I got it," Duke picked it up.

"Come on babies," Dr. Talbot got into the pen. "You know me. Link's not gonna let anyone hurt…YOOOOOOOUUUUU! YEOW!"

"Just when you thought his voice couldn't get any higher," Shipwreck winced. "Oh that has got to hurt."

"On the other hand maybe a little help might not be a **bad idea!**" Dr. Talbot screamed as the beavers started to attack his ankles and other parts of his body. "GIRLS! NO! CONTROL YOURSELVES!"

"Girls? Oh **great!**" Shipwreck shouted as he jumped in with Duke and Roadblock. "It figures! Just when my love life couldn't get any worse!"

"I am **not** going in there," Mainframe winced.

"So that's what a beaver swarm looks like," Scarlet mused from the safety of the sidelines. "Now I know. And knowing…Great, now **I'm **doing that stupid line!"

"OW! OW! OW!" Duke tried to kick the beaver off his leg.

"I could make a really disgusting joke right about now," Shipwreck tried to remove a beaver from his behind. "IF I WASN'T IN SUCH PAIN!"

"You always are a **pain,**" Scarlet remarked. "Never stopped you before."

"Kids do **not** try this at home!" Roadblock shouted. "OW! MY LEG!"

"Wow, angry beavers," The security officer said. "Hey that would make a great kid's cartoon!"

"Shut up Ralph!" Dr. Talbot snapped. "OW! BUFFY! NO! DON'T BITE ME…YEIIIEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Ooh! Now I know that has to hurt," Mainframe winced. "And knowing…"

"Finish that line and you will know the same pain," Scarlet snapped.

"RUN! RUN!" Dr. Talbot shouted as he and the Joes jumped out of the pen, their uniforms shredded.

"I never want to do that again…" Roadblock moaned.

"Now I remember **why** we don't usually do this type of work…" Duke whimpered.

"Well at least I know why they're a bit miffed." He took out a small dart. "I removed this from Mitzi's back as I was trying to remove her from my thigh."

"It looks like a tranquilizer dart," Scarlet said.

"That's not all," Dr. Talbot blinked as he took something else out. "This broken vial looks like the ones we use in order to collect blood samples. But what are these things doing in there?"

"I'm afraid I know," Duke sighed. "Dr. Talbot we need a list of all the animals that may have been targeted."

"Well that's not going to be too hard," Dr. Talbot brushed himself off. "I was already making up the list inspecting all the other cages and finding these exact same instruments. Whoever did this was very busy last night. They hit the wolves, the polar bears, the bats, both the snake and reptile areas…"

"Must have been visiting their relatives," Roadblock quipped.

"They got the lions and tigers and the bears," Dr. Talbot went off.

"Oh my," Roadblock blinked.

"The elephants, the zebras, the gorillas, the sloths…"

"**Sloths?**" Shipwreck asked. "Okay I can get all those other animals but why the hell would anyone want **sloth DNA?** Or beaver DNA? I've heard of not being picky but this is ridiculous!"

"Looks like someone is creating one serious genetic bank account," Dr. Talbot said. "But why? What would this person or person gain? It doesn't make sense. I mean I can understand the endangered species. A person could make a fortune in illegal breeding on the black market. But on the common animals as well? It just doesn't add up."

"I'm afraid it does if you knew what I knew," Duke sighed. "Come on team, we have a briefing to make."


	5. Joes We Have A Problem

**Joes, We Have A Problem**

Soon the Joes were examining the evidence collected in their command vehicle. "So what do you make of it Mainframe?" Duke asked.

"Looks like Mindbender's work all right," Mainframe nodded. "I'd recognize his shoddy workmanship anywhere."

"So Cobra **was **behind the attack at the zoo," Duke said. "The President was right."

"About what?" Scarlet asked.

"Here, you'd better see this," Duke turned on the monitor of the command vehicle and showed them several images. "There have been reports of mass kidnappings from five isolated towns and villages all over the world in the past three weeks," Duke said. "Estimated total is about 450 people from Alaska, Nebraska, Siberia, North Africa andthe Ukraneare missing, maybe even more. In each instance everyone in the entire town was taken. Men, women and children. Even the family pets in some cases are missing."

"What could Cobra be planning?" Scarlet asked.

"Whatever it is, it's not gonna be good," Roadblock shook his head.

"The missing people, the animals at the zoo and Hawk's capture," Duke thought aloud. "There's a good chance they're all connected in some way. That's what we have to find out and fast!"

_&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&_

_"Hawk, in the movie they said that no kids were taken," Scarlet Witch said._

_"Yeah, well we purposely left that part out," Roadblock sighed. _

_"Why?" Wavedancer asked. _

_"We're getting to it," General Hawk sighed. "Little did we know we had someone else that was concerned about Cobra activities." _

_&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&_

"I can't believe this…" Dr. Talbot struggled to hear what the Joes were saying in their command vehicle by hanging onto a tree. "National security my Aunt Hilda's patootie! If those military misfits think that anybody's gonna get away with mistreating my animals, they've got another think com-miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnngg!"

He screamed as he fell out of the tree. "I'm okay…" He moaned. "I just landed on my head…Owie…"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Back at the Cobra Base…

"All right, whose **genius idea** was it to put in sloth DNA in this thing?" Cobra Commander snapped as he tried to remove the misshapen mutated individual from his neck. The being had huge long arms, a snout and a very long tongue. "Stop it! Stop it! Stop licking me!"

"Well you did say get every animal DNA available at the zoo," Mindbender told him.

"And you wanted to be surprised," Destro added.

"Well guess what? **Mission accomplished!"** Cobra Commander pushed the sloth man off. "You! Stay down! Stay down! Stay…Stay…Good boy."

"What have you done to that poor devil?" Hawk asked in horror.

"Besides give him a new fur coat?" Cobra Commander asked. "I've given his life purpose!"

The Baroness slinked her arm onto Hawk's shoulder. "With a single Commander…"

"And the ability to venomize civilians by the thousands…" Destro grinned running his fingers towards the Baroness. The Baroness slapped his hand, still angry at him.

"Cobra can create entire unstoppable armies all over the world," Mindbender grinned. Then he saw Cobra Commander. "Commander!"

"No! Like this! Like this!" Cobra Commander was trying to get his latest victim to poke himself in the eyes like one of the Three Stooges. "He he…This is so funny! Somebody get a camera!"

"Cobra Commander the demonstration is over," Mindbender hissed.

"You know he's not that bad once you get to know him," Cobra Commander looked at his new pet. "I think I'll call him…Gary."

"Gary?" Destro looked at him.

"Well I can't give him a cool name I mean, he looks like a Gary doesn't he?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Commander?" Mindbender coughed. "Can we get back on schedule please?"

"Oh right. So to do an executive recap," Cobra Commander walked towards him. "Spray the green gas over a city, turn useless civilians into ruthless troopers, crush freedom and democracy and Cobra rules the world. Any questions?"

"Yeah, is there enough oxygen in that helmet of yours?" Hawk sneered.

"Ha, ha…**That's **an original joke!" Cobra Commander said sarcastically. "Prepare the General for the Maximum treatment!"

"But Cobra Commander, that's never been tested!" Mindbender protested. "He may not survive!"

"And that's a problem **why?**" Cobra Commander asked.

"Well there is the slight chance that he may have information valuable to us," Mindbender said. "Him being the leader of GI Joe and all."

"So? We'll just download his memories with one of your do hickeys!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Overkill, hook the general up to the Brainwave Scanner and do it!"

"Yes sir, time for Wapner, definitely time for Wapner…" Overkill sputtered as he pushed a few buttons on his machine. The top of the table holding Hawk turned into a snake head, which attached himself to his head. "Download memory, my pleasure!"

"Rarrr!" Gary leapt up on top of Cobra Commander and started to lick his face again.

"Speaking of pleasure," Destro said off handedly. "Mindbender I think our latest recruit is enjoying himself a little too much."

"GARY! NO! DOWN BOY!" Cobra Commander shouted. "GET OFF ME!"

"Oh god please let this thing put me in such pain so I can't tell what's going on!" Hawk moaned as the process started.


	6. It's A Jungle Out There

**It's A Jungle Out There**

Meanwhile at a secret GI Joe base located in Brazil…

"Tunnel Rat report!" Flint ordered.

"Roger that Flint!" Tunnel Rat made a thumbs up signal as he finished painting on a strange bomb like device. "HALO is a go! And a real work of art if I do say so myself!"

"Copy that," Flint nodded from the control tower. "This is the GI Joe launch tower. We are go for launch in three…two…one…GO!"

The bomb like device was shot upwards thanks to a roller coaster like launch device. "HALO right on target," Flint spoke. "Ocean Recon One do you copy?"

Not far away off shore the Joes were waiting on their boat. Torpedo spoke. "This is Ocean Recon One! Wet Suit, Deep Six! Dial Tone get ready!"

"Oh my stomach…" Dial Tone didn't feel well and looked rather green. "Why did I eat all that chili before going out to sea?"

"Here it comes!" Torpedo shouted. "Wait for it…Wait for it…" The bomb flew fast towards a small island not far ahead and exploded above it.

"I don't think I **can** wait for it…" Dial Tone moaned.

Immediately the entire island was covered in whipped cream. "All right!" Torpedo cheered. "It works!"

Back at the base Beach Head looked at the screen. "Whipped Cream?" He looked at Flint. "You used the High Altitude Low Ordinance Bomb to cover an island with **whipped cream?**"

"Well, that's the low ordinance part," Flint shrugged. "At least this way we can win the next GI Joe food fight."

"Yeah that's **much **better than using it for something useful," Beach Head quipped. He, Tunnel Rat and Gung Ho were there at the base.

"Well it will be once it's perfected," Tunnel Rat told him. "One day we'll be able to use it to make it rain so there won't be any drought on earth. In about twenty years or so…Hey Gung Ho, don't you think those grenades are polished enough? I mean you really think they'll blow up better?"

"Hey you look after these bad boys and they look after you," Gung Ho grinned. He held up one. "Look I drew a smiley face on one."

"Hey neat! I'm gonna draw a horse on mine," Tunnel Rat said taking a marker.

"Will you two knock it off!" Beach Head snapped. "I know you two are bored but for crying out loud stop acting like a couple of kids!"

"We could do worse than drawing on grenades," Gung Ho said.

"Yeah we could spend time with a teddy bear named Sgt. Snuffles," Tunnel Rat mocked.

"I hate my life…" Beach Head moaned.

Meanwhile deep in the jungle, two nefarious characters and their army were preparing to attack. One was a ninja dressed completely in red and the other was dressed in red and gray. Behind them were three entire squadrons of BATS, Cobra troopers and Sand Scorpions, genetically altered soldiers with pincers.

"Dear friend Slash…" Slice grinned. He was dressed in a gray and black uniform with a helmet and goggles.

"Yes my dear friend Slice?" Slash asked. He was dressed in a red and black uniform with a black facemask that only showed his eyes.

"Do you know what time it is?" Slice asked.

"Time to…" Slash began.

"Call Cobra Commander!" They both said at the same time as they danced around. "You read my mind!"

"Oh isn't this wonderful?" Slice grinned.

"It's marvelous! Simply divine!" Slash giggled back.

"Yay!" They danced around and hugged each other. "This is going to be so much fun!"

"Oh great," One Cobra Trooper muttered. "Out of all the units we could be assigned to, we get **them!**"

"Could those two be any more **gay?**" Another shook his head.

"You should have seen their old outfits…" A third one sighed.

"Well excuse us for having a loving relationship that happens to work both on the field and in the…" Slice snapped. Immediately the Cobra Troopers started screaming.

"DON'T WANNA KNOW!" One trooper screamed.

"I'M NOT LISTENING! LA LA LA!" Another held onto his ears. "I'M NOT LISTENING!"

"Could the two of you be any **more stereotypical?"** Another soldier shouted. "Hell I'm gay but even I'm getting sick watching the two of you!"

"I didn't wanna know," The first trooper moaned. "I didn't wanna know…"

"What? You have a problem with gays?" The third soldier snapped.

"Among with other groups yes," The first trooper snapped. "Hey! I'm an evil Cobra trooper! What, you're looking for Mr. Freaking Rogers here?"

"He does have a point," A fourth trooper said. "I mean let's face it, we don't exactly work for the most tolerant group in the world."

"That's not true," A fifth one said. "Cobra is an equal opportunity destroyer and enslaver of the innocent. They'll take anybody."

"Well **that's **pretty obvious," The first trooper said.

"You wanna piece of me?" The third trooper snapped.

"All right now knock it off!" Slice snapped. "It's clear that we need to work on our bonding as a unit. After this mission those who survive will have to take a mandatory team building exercise!"

"Oh god not the Friendship Circle again!" The third trooper moaned. He glared at the first trooper. "You just **had** to open up your big mouth didn't you?"

"Let's get ready to attack Darling," Slash said.

"I agree," Slice grinned. "Start up the Electron….No the Magnetic Pulse….Oh the big electricity shut off thingy!" He pointed to a large gray device.

"Darling?" One Cobra Trooper looked at another. "The big electricity shut off thingy?"

"I know. I heard it too," The other sighed. "Just get ready to blow something up. That should take your mind off of it."

"Yes, blow something up…" Another soldier muttered. "Blow it all up! I don't care if **we** get blown up! At least we'll be safe from **them!**"

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

_"This whole thing is sounding weirder by the minute," Wavedancer said as she interrupted the story. "No wonder the Joes got their clocks cleaned during the attack! Those Cobras were driven crazy by those two!" _

_"Yeah these guys make Spongebob Squarepants look straight," Quicksilver remarked._

_"Looks who's talking," Toad challenged. "And he is straight!"_

_"Is not," Quicksilver said. "Not that there's anything wrong with that." _

_"Well if he was no, but since he **isn't**…" Toad said._

_"Guys, sponges are both male and female so technically…" Arcade began._

_"CAN WE GET BACK TO THE STORY PLEASE?" Hawk interrupted. "I don't wanna hear another 12 hour argument about this!"_

_"We never argued about Spongebob Squarepants for twelve hours," Xi said. "We argued whether the Flintstones were the ancestors of the Jetsons for twelve hours." _

_"Well if you look at the evidence, you can see they are!" Blob said._

_"No, no, **no!**" Hawks said. "We're **not **going into this **now!** We're gonna finish this story first! And I thought the torture I was giving Cobra Commander was bad enough."_

"Wait, wasn't Cobra Commander torturing you?" Xi asked.

"Well that was his plan…" Hawk grinned. "However I figured out how to use that memory download machine to my advantage."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"And this is one where Cobra Commander got stuck upon that flagpole in the Soviet Union," Hawk grinned. The image was broadcast on the screen.

"Oh yes I remember that," Destro chuckled. "That was almost as amusing as the clip you showed us of his pants falling down while retreating."

"STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!" Cobra Commander shouted. "SHUT IT OFF! SHUT IT OFF!"

"But Cobra Commander, the download…" Mindbender started to say.

"Forget the stupid download!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We already know that the main codes are in Hawk's office!"

"How did you know that?" Hawk asked.

"Because that's what I'd do," Cobra Commander said. "I mean what else would a leader put in his office besides a mini bar? It's not that hard to figure out! Speaking of which are the codes for the full venomization process ready yet? The sooner we turn Hawk here into a mindless zombie the better!"

"Technically we could do it now," Mindbender coughed. "However we kind of ran low on wolf and crocodile DNA. Actually we're out of them."

"Already?" Cobra Commander asked. "Please don't tell me your assistants were fooling around in the lab again?"

"Okay, I won't tell you," Mindbender shrugged.

"Typical," Destro sighed. He turned to his subordinates. "Take Hawk to a holding cell until we're ready!"

"Well, what are we supposed to do for the next six hours?" Cobra Commander snapped as Hawk was taken away. "Play a game of Scrabble?"

"Perhaps we should use this time instead to plan our global conquest?" Destro suggested.

"Fine," Cobra Commander groaned as he sat down at the table. "This shouldn't be so bad."

Twenty minutes later…

"Yada! Yada! Yada! Get on with it Destro!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I am so bored!"

"As I was saying," Destro said patiently even though his audience was yawning and falling asleep. "The time given for the full venomization of my company will be…WAKE UP COBRA COMMANDER!"

"Oh god I'm bored!" Cobra Commander banged his head on the table.

"I wanna take a nap!" Mindbender yawned.

"Yes I could use some beauty sleep," The Baroness yawned.

"You could use about five years worth of…" Mindbender began.

"Finish that sentence Mind-bungler and I will personally send you to sleep six feet under!" The Baroness glared at Mindbender.

"Oh take it easy Baroness," Cobra Commander waved. "It's not his fault that Destro is so mind numbingly dull."

"You don't know the half of it," The Baroness muttered.

"Well I'm sorry it's not as exciting as blowing up satellites but things like this need to be done!" Destro said sarcastically. "As I was saying it will take three years for the full venomization process to be carried out globally."

"NO! NO! NOI! I am not waiting three years to take over the world!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Not three months, not three weeks, not even three days! I won't do it!"

"Why not? You've already waited about **ten** or so?" The Baroness asked. Suddenly some music could be heard. "What is that?"

"Oh that's my phone," Cobra Commander picked up his personal phone. "I set the ring tone to music. It's quite fun actually."

"Is that playing 'Walking on Sunshine'?" The Baroness asked.

"I like the song! Got a problem with that?" Cobra Commander snapped. He answered the phone. "Hello? Slash! Slice! Yes it's a happy sunshiny day here too…Excellent! The HALO works? And there's only 4 Joes guarding it? Splendid! Commence Operation Land Grab!" He hung up his phone. "Three years Destro? I don't think so! When we liberate the Joes' latest device we will have the power to transport tons of venomization formula to entire cities in a matter of minutes! SO THERE!"

"I can't believe you let such an important operation go to those two queer commandos!" Mindbender sneered.

"This from a man who dates his own **experiments!**" Destro mocked. "Yeah, you're normal!"

"At least they're female!" Mindbender snapped. "Well most of them were."

"I don't care **what **they do as long as they get results!" Cobra Commander snapped. "They could have meaningful relationships with **badgers** for all I care!"

"At least those two aren't afraid of commitment!" The Baroness snapped. "Unlike some people I know!"

"Here we go again!" Cobra Commander threw up his hands. He glared at Destro. "What did you do **this time?**"

"Like she needs a reason," Mindbender scoffed.

"That's it! You're **dead!**" The Baroness started beating up Mindbender.  
"OW! OW! OW!" Mindbender screamed.

"I think I will go hide somewhere for a bit," Destro started to sneak out.

"I think I'll join you…" Cobra Commander followed.

**Next: As the Joes lose a base, Cobra Commander loses more of his sanity and Snake Eyes loses his patience with an unlikely pupil. Here's a hint, it's not Kamakura and we all know and love him! Hey you were warned this was going to be weirder than the movie! A lot weirder! **


	7. Everybody's Losing It

**Everybody's Losing it**

"I WANT SGT. SNUFFLES!" Beach Head raged. The four Joes had retreated to the jungle in the aftermath of the vicious Cobra attack.

It took Flint, Gung Ho and Tunnel Rat to keep him in one place. "WE GOTTA GO BACK FOR THE SEARGEANT!" Beach Head screamed.

"We didn't have time!" Tunnel Rat said. "We were getting our butts kicked by those Cobra Creeps when our weapons froze up!"

"Good thing we had plenty of grenades," Gung Ho grinned.

"Yeah but we still couldn't stop the snakes from taking over our base and getting their slimy scales on the HALO device," Flint sighed. "Is it me or were they even more vicious than usual?"

"Yeah and I don't mean those creepy clawed guys," Gung Ho said. "I don't what was driving them to fight like that but it can't be good."

"We have to move out and report back to headquarters," Flint said.

"But we can't leave a man behind!" Beach Head shouted.

"All right! All right! If it will make you feel any better Beach, I will go back and get the bear…"

"His name is Sgt. Snuffles!" Beach Head snapped.

"Fine I'll get the Sgt. Snuffles while the rest of you get back to headquarters!" Tunnel Rat rolled his eyes.

"Are you sure you wanna do this?" Flint asked.

"**Anything **is better than hanging around Beach Head when he's going through teddy bear withdrawal!" Tunnel Rat went off. "Don't worry, I'll be fine!"

"All right! Stay strong Sgt. Snuffles, we'll come back for you…" Beach Head said.

"Okay Beach Head we are definitely making you see the shrink when we get back," Flint groaned.

"Who do you think made him this way in the first place?" Gung Ho asked.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

_"**Another **example of creative writing in the movie?" Avalanche asked Hawk._

_"Yeah, like we were gonna tell people that we sent a man out to recover a teddy bear," Hawk sighed. "Meanwhile things were getting bad to worse. Especially for me." _

_000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000_

"What do you mean the Joes trashed the entire base?" Cobra Commander screamed at the console. On the monitor were Slice and Dice and a very ruined GI Joe base.

"Exactly what it means sir," Slice gulped. "But we've already got our BATS and finest technicians on the case!"

"Hey what does this red wire do?" Someone shouted off camera. "YEOWWWWWW!"

"Don't worry Commander," Slash said. "We will put together a working launcher within a day or so."

"Okay that didn't work…" A very wobbly voice moaned. "Let's try the blue wire. OWWWWW! Okay…The red wire….OH MOMMY THAT HURTS!"

"You idiot!" Another voice shouted. "It's the green wire. YEOOOOWWWWWWWWWW! Okay…Maybe we should try the blue wire again…"

"Or maybe a little more," Slash sighed. "But we will have it fully operational."

"OWWWWWWWW! Red wire! OWWWW! Blue wire! OWWWW! Oh it's the yellow wire! OWWWWW! Red wire? OWWWWWWW!"

"Eventually…" Slash sighed.

"But we still need the access command codes," Slice said.

"Don't worry," Cobra Commander waved. "I've already got someone to take care of that. Don't I General Hawk?" He looked over to where Hawk was held prisoner. "OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"

On top of Hawk licking his face was Gary. "NO GARY! BAD GARY! BAD!" Cobra Commander shouted as he tried to pull him off. "DOWN BOY! DOWN!"

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

_"IT'S NOT **THAT **FUNNY!" Hawk screamed at the laughing Misfits. _

_"Oh come on Hawk!" Roadblock snickered. "You gotta admit the worst thing Cobra threatening you with is an oversexed mutated moron is pretty funny!" _

_"Well it isn't!" Hawk snapped._

_"I have a question!" Blob raised his hand. "What about that Kamakura guy? Is he real or did the writers make him up too?" _

_"Actually there is someone named Kamakura and he did become Snake Eye's pupil," Roadblock said. "But that happened five years **after** the events you saw in the movie and he's a lot more intense than the film version." _

_"Translation: He's not an egotistical bumbling apprentice," Wavedancer said._

_"And he wasn't thrilled when he learned where his namesake came from," Hawk said._

_"You knew about him?" Toad asked Wavedancer. "Why didn't you tell us?"_

_"You never asked," Wavedancer said._

_"So where's he been?" Avalanche asked._

_"Overseas mostly, doing undercover work for GI Joe," Wavedancer said. "Those goons Slash and Slice have been over there too. That's why you haven't seen much of them. But knowing our luck you probably will in the future." _

_"So all that Kamakura stuff with the sword and everything in the movie is fake?" Dragonfly asked. _

_"Yup, the writers made that up," Roadblock said. "Well most of it. They put in the ninja thing and the sword stuff to make what happened sound a lot more exciting." _

_"So what part did happen?" Quicksilver asked._

_"Well…" Hawk scratched his head. "Jinx and Snake Eyes were training someone at the time…" _

_"Who?" Toad asked. _

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"The way of the ninja is misdirection, silence and stealth…" Jinx told her sparring partner. "Not exactly your strong point!"

"I'm getting better," Bazooka said. The pile of rubble behind him implied otherwise.

"YOU BLEW A HOLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HANGAR!" Jinx pointed to a huge hole. "YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO USE A BAZOOKA! NINJAS DON'T USE BAZOOKAS!"

"Why?" Bazooka asked.

"Because one, they didn't **have **bazookas in feudal Japan," Jinx explained. "Two, they're heavy and hard to hide. And three a ninja's greatest asset is **stealth!** Kind of hard to do that if you have a weapon you can hear **three miles away** when you use it!"

"But they're fun to use…." Bazooka whined.

"Snake Eyes…" Jinx moaned.

The silent black garbed ninja was currently banging his head against the wall. Next to him was **another **hole. "I said I was sorry…" Bazooka apologized. "But I missed you this timedidn't I?"

Snake Eyes stopped banging his head and glared at Bazooka. "Okay I think I'll go take a walk now…" Bazooka gulped. He backed away with his bazooka by his side.

"Okay Snake, you can put down the sword..." Jinx sighed. "NO YOU CAN'T COMMIT SEPPUKU! YOU'RE NOT GETTING OUT OF THIS THAT EASILY!"

"I don't care what they say, I still like my bazooka,"Bazooka walked down to the hallways of the Joe Base. "Aw nuts I lost my communicator." He looked at his wrist. "I'd better get a new one."

As he turned the corner near Hawk's office he saw a very unwelcome visitor pop out. "Prepare to die Joe!" Storm Shadow hissed.

"Uh oh…" Bazooka gulped. "This is bad."

**Yes! This fic now is a hundred percent more filled with Bazooka goodness! Okay the ninja quotient is down a little. But come on, how can you not love a fic with our favorite bubble gum blowing Bazooka? Next: Bazooka and Stormshadow face off with a little help from Snake Eyes! **


	8. Just Another Day Where The Base Gets Blo...

**Just Another Day Where The Base Gets Blown Up**

"All right Joes," Duke pointed to the monitor. "We've finally got a break in the case. Seems like Cobra had the bright idea to blow up another one of our tracking satellites. Of course this satellite was able to send it's coordinates and had a camera so it showed exactly where the attack came from!"

"Thank goodness Cobra's full of dumb idiots," Roadblock chuckled as he shook his head. "Makes our job so much easier!"

"Yeah well there's going to be plenty of action," Duke told him. "We've been taking it long enough! It's time to bring this battle to Cobra! Yo…"

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

"Joe…?" Duke blinked. "Aw crap, we're under attack **again!**"

"I'll say one thing," Shipwreck said as the Joes rushed to battle stations. "It's never dull around here."

"I wish it was," Airtight groaned. "And where the hell is that Bubble Gum Brain Bazooka anyway?"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"YOU IDIOT!" Storm Shadow screamed as he looked at the destroyed office. "You nearly killed us both!"

"Oops," Bazooka blinked as he held his smoking bazooka. "This time I won't miss!"

"Oh no you don't!" Storm Shadow swung his sword and charged in order to cut it. However Bazooka was faster than he looked and moved out of the way just in time. Unfortunately the Bazooka went off and it crashed through the wall. Actually it crashed through several walls. Right through to the men's showers. It destroyed the shower walls and exposed who was in the individual stalls. And it just happened several Joes were taking showers at the time.

"I hate my life…" Low Light scrambled to cover himself up.

"Well at least you don't have soap all over you!" Lifeline shouted as he tried to find a towel.

"I feel so naked…" Tripwire gulped.

"That's because you **are!**" Low Light snapped. "For god's sake get a towel or something!"

Scarlet had stopped running and stared at the sight. "That's something you don't see every day."

"DO YOU MIND?" Lifeline screamed as he tried to cover himself.

"No, actually I don't mind at all," Scarlet grinned. "Whoa! Tripwire! No wonder you have trouble walking! How can you even **stand **with that huge…?"

"SCARLET STOP GAWKING AT THEM AND START SHOOTING THE COBRAS!" Duke screamed as a horde of Cobra BATS and planes started firing.

Soon the Joes and the Cobras were in the middle of a fierce firefight. Meanwhile Storm Shadow finally managed to knock the weapon out of Bazooka's hands. "You insane oaf!" Storm Shadow snapped. "You've nearly ruined my mission! Now you shall pay the price!" He lunged at him with his sword.

Suddenly Snake Eyes appeared and blocked Storm Shadow's attack with his sword. "You!" Storm Shadow snarled.

"Oh yeah, him," Bazooka got out of the way.

"The great Storm Shadow has gotten careless," Jinx quipped as she appeared.

"He's also got the codes from Hawk's office!" Bazooka told her.

"What's left of it," Jinx noticed.

"Sorry," Bazooka fidgeted.

"Not as sorry as he is gonna be once Snake and I get through with him," Jinx told him.

Snake Eyes held up his hand. "Yes this fight is between the two of us," Storm Shadow sneered. Soon the two of them were going at it.

"Wow look at all the throwing stars," Bazooka marveled as he watched the fight with Jinx. They both ducked to avoid being hit by them.

"And watch this!" Storm Shadow leapt up and hit a pipeline with his sword. The broken pipe spurted out steam covering his trail.

"I got it!" Bazooka grabbed his bazooka.

"Bazooka! No!" Jinx shouted.

Too late Bazooka fired and it made another huge hole in the hallway. "Thank you for the exit!" Storm Shadow cackled as he leapt through it.

"Oopsie," Bazooka gulped.

"Alpine's right," Jinx grumbled as they ran after Storm Shadow. "You are a bubble gum brain!"

They ran outside and saw the fighting going on. "Oh it's just Cobra getting their butts kicked again," Bazooka said as he saw another Cobra plane go up in flames. "Why are half of our guys only wearing towels? Oh right…My bad."

"Just follow that ninja!" Jinx groaned. She saw their enemy grab a motorcycle and tear off. "There he goes!"

They jumped on some other motorcycles and tore through the base after him, weaving and dodging through the bombs and other Joes fighting. "MY TOWEL!" Tripwire screamed as Bazooka cut him off.

"Get it off!" Bazooka moved the towel off his face just in time to drive right through the cafeteria. He came out the other end covered in salad and chocolate pudding. "Hmmm…Pudding."

Eventually Storm Shadow drove through a hangar, right up a flight of stairs and onto a roof with the Joes in hot pursuit. Snake Eyes crashed his motorcycle right into Storm Shadow's. Both had leapt away before the explosion and were soon having a heated sword battle.

"Do they always do this?" Bazooka asked as he and Jinx landed on the roof and watched them fight.

"Pretty much," Jinx said. "Look! Those Night Adders in the sky must be here to pick up Storm Shadow!" She pointed to the Cobra flying machines in the air.

"Not if I can help it!" Bazooka grabbed his trusty bazooka and fired twice. He hit one of them but forgot to get off the bike first. He slid backwards off the roof. "WHOA!"

"What kind of bazooka is that anyway?" Storm Shadow snapped as he saw what had happened. "I didn't even see him put the shells in!"

"We're not really sure how he does it either," Jinx admitted as she went to help Bazooka. He was soon hanging off the roof holding his bazooka in one hand and trying to hang on with the other. "Bazooka! Drop it! I can't pull you up!"

"Not my baby!" Bazooka whined. "Not Myrtle!"

"Myrtle?" Jinx blinked.

"Myrtle?" Storm Shadow blinked. "I tire of this nonsense! I know you Snake Eyes, you have to save that fool! Even if it means I escape!"

Snake Eyes knew he was right and went to help Bazooka. Storm Shadow saw his chance and managed to get into a Cobra Jet as it flew down low to pick him up. He used a grappling hook to catch it and climbed in. "Farewell fools!" He laughed.

Meanwhile the Joes flying squadron had severely beat back the Cobras. "Next stop Vegas boys!" Wild Bill called out. "Wild Bill is on a roll!"

"Not after what you did last time in Vegas!" Slipstream snapped. "We're still getting angry letters from Wayne Newton!"

"It's over guys," Duke said as the Cobras got away. "Cobra's retreating."

"Should we go after them Duke?" Wild Bill asked on the radio.

"Negative Wild Bill," Duke told him. "We can't risk leaving this base undefended."

"**What **base?" Slipstream asked as he saw the ruined mess below. "Aw man and I just painted my barracks too!"

"Well me and the boys will stay on patrol anyway," Wild Bill said.

"Yeah, we'll guard a big burning hole in the ground," Ace grumbled. "Cobra really wants that!"

"Duke," Jinx reported in through her communicator. "Storm Shadow stole Hawk's quantum command codes."

"Oh great!" Duke grumbled. "Then this whole battle was just a diversion! We've got nothing to show for it!"

"Not true Hawk," Mainframe said as he ran up carrying a broken BAT head. "We still have our computer lab underground and I can analyze the data from this bucket of bolts here."

"Do it!" Duke said. "We need to get all the information we can!"

"It'll take a while…" Mainframe fiddled with it.

"ZZZT! Return to Antarctic Base…" The BAT sputtered. "Return to Antarctic Base…"

"Or maybe a few seconds," Mainframe blinked.

"Antarctica? That's where our satellite blew up," Scarlet said.

"Five will get you ten that's where they're holding Hawk prisoner! Come on Joes we're bringing Hawk home!" Duke said. Then he noticed some of his men were still only wearing towels. "Uh, right after you guys get dressed. ESPECIALLY YOU TRIPWIRE!"

"You're just jealous because **yours**…" Scarlet began.

"OKAY! LET'S GO JOES!" Duke shouted. "Everybody move out!" He ran off.

None of the Joes left. "So you were saying Scarlet?" Lady Jaye asked.

"EVERYBODY MOVE OUT!" Duke snapped. "Except **you **Scarlet! Guard the base or something!"

Scarlet looked at the destruction. "Oh yeah, what a thrill. I'm telling you this right now I am **not **cleaning that up!"


	9. I'm Not Myself Today

**I'm Not Myself Today**

"WILL YOU IDIOTS STOP CHANGING THE CHANNELS ON THE RADIO?" Duke ordered as they drove in their Ice Cats towards the Cobra base. There were two Joes each in an Ice Cat and everyone was complaining about their choice in music. Off course everyone was connected with each other on the radio so they could hear everything the others were playing. And since no one liked what each other wanted to play, everyone was fighting.

"How come a smart guy like you doesn't know the difference between noise and music?" Roadblock snapped at Mainframe.

"Driver picks the station, pal!" Mainframe snapped.

"You can't even pick your nose right much less good music!" Roadblock snapped.

"Oh god it's like chaperoning a field trip full of kindergartners," Duke moaned.

"For crying out loud Frostbite roll down that window!" Dusty snapped.

"What the hell is your problem Ice Cat 3?" Duke snapped. "You're falling behind!"

"We have problems adjusting to the temperature," Dusty shivered as he was driving with Frostbite, one of the Joe Polar Troops. He had the window down and snow was blowing into the vehicle. "Namely there isn't any in here!"

"Well I'm boiling!" Frostbite snapped.

"Tough! Roll down that window!" Dusty snapped.

"Make me!" Frostbite snapped snapped.

"Cross-Country you can play that stupid country music all you like in your HAVOC but when you're in **my vehicle** we play what **I **want!" Snow Job shouted.

"Country Music!" Cross-Country screamed.

"Madonna!" Mainframe shouted.

"Classical music!" Roadblock shouted.

"I like Boy George and Culture Club!" Snow Job shouted.

"You would!" Dusty snapped. "Frostbite roll down the freaking window!"

"ALL RIGHT THAT'S IT!" Duke shouted. "NO MORE MUSIC PERIOD! WHAT IS THIS NURSERY SCHOOL?"

"He started it!" Mainframe whined.

"Just shut up and…" Duke snapped. Then he saw something. "What the…?"

Several strange vehicles broke through the ice. "We're surrounded!" Dusty shouted. "Where did they come from?"

"This is just a guess, but maybe the big castle up ahead?" Snow Job pointed to a huge ice fortress in front of them. "Unless this is Santa's summer home I think this is the place!"

Meanwhile inside the base…

"The Joes have found us!" The Baroness shouted.

"Gee what a surprise," Destro mocked. "I advise we abandon this facility. And the next time we have a base we blow up the tracking satellites **before **they find us and send our coordinates to the Joes!"

"No one's going anywhere," Cobra Commander said. "I've just sent out the Snow Wolves! This should be a real howl!"

"You seriously need a new scriptwriter," Destro moaned.

"Oh just shut up and watch the show!" Cobra Commander snapped as he pointed to the monitor.

Back outside the Joes were just beginning to encounter the strange vehicles. "Heads up! Get ready for anything!" Duke warned.

"Well I'm getting ready for a serious case of pneumonia! My lungs are starting to freeze here!" Dusty snapped.

"Keep your long johns on," Frostbite waved. "A little fresh air never hurt nobody."

That's when something reached in and grabbed Frostbite through the window. It was wearing a Cobra Polar troop uniform but it had a wolf's snout. "AAAAHHH!" Frostbite screamed as he tried to remove the creature from him.

Dusty used his gun to bash it in the snout and it fell off Frostbite. "**Now** will you shut the blasted window?" He shouted.

"What the hell are those?" Roadblock shouted as the creatures ran on all fours towards them. "We're at top speed and they're still catching up to us!"

"Mainframe! Roadblock! Keep those… **whatever **they are off our tail!" Duke ordered. "We're going in!" They headed straight towards the Cobra base. "Jinx! Snake Eyes! Bazooka! We do this fast and clean! Ten minutes!"

Meanwhile inside the base…

"Look at 'em go! Come on tear 'em to pieces!" Cobra Commander jumped up and down.

"Sir maybe we should prepare General Hawk for the procedure, just in case?" Destro asked.

"Already done," Overkill warbled. "I've prepared Hawk. Like I do everything else on this base. No problem. Wapner's not on for another five hours."

"I really gotta fix that thing," Mindbender grumbled.

Hawk was in a chamber. "Mindbender!" Cobra Commander ordered. "We're going to put in the venomization formula!"

"Which one?" Mindbender asked. "The Wolves? The Python? Ooh! Killer Shark that's a good one!"

"All of them!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"But I've never put so many different DNA into one subject before!" Mindbender gasped. "He might become too powerful even for the Fangblade. If he survives…"

"Well the chances of that happening are pretty slim," Cobra Commander huffed. "Now stop whining and…"

BOOM!

Duke and the other Joes burst in with guns blazing. "Okay how do you people **do **this?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Every time I think you've been knocked down, you get up! It's very annoying!"

"GET THE GENERAL!" Duke shouted as he blasted apart a BAT.

"Oh no you don't!" Cobra Commander grabbed the venomization vials and prepared the Fangblade. "Now all I have to do is…"

Suddenly Bazooka blasted his weapon right at Cobra Commander. "AAHHH!" Cobra Commander ducked and accidentally set off the Fangblade. It hit Hawk's stasis pod. "Oh that was lucky."

"Hawk!" Duke screamed. "He's… Being covered in a bunch of green dust?"

Everyone stopped fighting long enough to see that nothing was happening. "Hey! Nothing's happening!" Cobra Commander screamed. "What a gyp!"

"I told you I never tried it before!" Mindbender snapped.

"All right! Let's get Hawk and…" Duke began when he was grabbed from behind. Several huge Cobra Troops had grabbed the Joes from behind holding them captive.

"Amazing what a little python DNA injected into some unsuspecting civilians will do," Cobra Commander grinned.

"Civilians? Is **that** what you've been doing to the people you've kidnapped?" Jinx struggled.

"Give the lady a prize!" Cobra Commander grinned. "With our venomization process Cobra can create armies all over the world! As soon as we get all the bugs out!"

"BZZZT! Time for Wheel of Fortune…" Overkill stumbled around sparking.

"Speaking of which…"Mindbender grumbled. "Overkill! Must have gotten hit with a stray bullet or something. I swear if it isn't one thing it's…"

"WHEEL OF FORTUNE! BZZZT!" Overkill got a little too close to Hawk's chamber and short-circuited. The electricity it emitted energized Hawk's chamber.

"AGGGHH!" Hawk screamed in agony. His uniform started to bulge and tear as his body began to change.

"Whoops," Cobra Commander gulped. "What's going on?"

"Apparently Hawk's chamber is being magnetized due to Overkill overloading," Destro said. "A super charged magnetic conduction field is increasing the power of the Fangblade."

"Come again?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Electricity plus DNA altering gas equals new super soldier," Destro told him.

"Oh is that all?" Cobra Commander said. "I knew that."

"AAHHHHHH!" Hawk screamed as he was transformed into a huge being with light purple skin, rippling muscles, sharp claws and long brown hair. He burst out of the chamber with his bare chest showing off his rippling muscles.

"So that's all you have to do to increase the venomization to its highest level," Mindbender stroked his chin. "Now we know. And knowing is…"

"HEY! THAT'S OUR LINE!" Bazooka snapped.

"Meet Cobra's newest general, Venomous Maximus!" Cobra Commander cackled.

"Venomous Maximus?" Destro winced. "Okay first thing in the morning I am calling an agency. You definitely need a new writer!"

"Hawk! Is that you?" Duke shouted.

"Yo! What the hell is dis?" The new creature said. "A freakin' museum? Whoa…Look at me…I got some pretty good pecs here."

"Uh…Why does he sound like Rocky?" Destro asked.

"Hawk is that you in there?" Duke cried out.

"No it's freaking Boy George," Venomous Maximus snapped. "Hey! What's a guy gotta do here to get a drink or something?"

"Whoa…" The Baroness blinked. "He's magnificent!"

"You ain't too bad yourself, Bright Eyes," Venomous Maximus gave her a cocky grin. He strutted up to her. "You're real easy on the eyes, bada bing!"

"Oh well thank you," The Baroness giggled. She placed a hand on his bare chest. "My you have such…lovely muscles."

"You like what you see?" Venomous Maximus flexed for her.

"Oh yeah…" The Baroness giggled like a drunken schoolgirl. "You're such a magnificent specimen Venomous Maximus."

"Hey why so formal? Call me Max!" He grinned.

"What the hell is wrong with him?" Destro asked.

"It must be a side effect of the venomization process," Mindbender said.

"No kidding!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Hey! You! Maximus! Remember me? Your lord and master here!"

"Hey yo! Cool it!" Maximus snapped. "I'm busy here! So uh Baroness right? You doin' anything tonight?"

"Yes she is!" Destro stormed over to them. "The lady is with me!"

"That is debatable!" The Baroness snapped. She cooed at Maximus. "What did you have in mind?"

"What the hell are you doing?" Destro snapped.

"Well since you're not interested in any **commitments**," The Baroness glared at him. "Perhaps we should start seeing other people!"

"WHAT?" Destro shouted.

"So uh, what time you want me to pick you up?" Maximus asked.

"Ex-cuse me!" Cobra Commander screamed. "Hello! Can we get back to the topic at hand here?"

"What is your problem?" Maximus snapped at Cobra Commander.

"**They're **my problem!" Cobra Commander pointed to the Joes held captive. "I want them eliminated!"

"Is that all?" Maximus looked at him. "No problem! Yo! You guys! Let 'em go! This is gonna be fun. I could use a workout."

"This is not good…" Jinx gulped as Maximus strode over to them with a very big grin on his face.


	10. Maximus Mayhem

**Maximus Mayhem**

_"Let me see if I get this straight," Wavedancer said. "You turned into a cross between Rocky, Barney and Andrew Dice Clay? Talk about monsters…" _

_"I couldn't stop myself!" Hawk told her. "It was like I was trapped in a room and I could barely see what was going on though a fogged up window." _

_"So you ended up fighting Duke and the others and beating them huh?" Avalanche asked._

_"Yeah and that was only the tip of the iceberg…" Hawk sighed. _

_&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&_

"Hawk!" Duke pleaded as Maximus advanced on the Joes. "It's us! Don't do this!"

"Hawk ain't in right now," Maximus told him. "Venomous Maximus is in the house! Leave a message and I'll make sure he gets it!"

"He's not listening!" Bazooka said. "What do we do?"

"Well fighting for our lives is a good idea!" Duke said as he dodged a vicious swing by Maximus. Maximus managed to grab Bazooka. "Bazooka!"

Duke tried to help Bazooka but Maximus kicked him and sent him sprawling. Then he threw Bazooka into a wall. "Ow…That hurts…" Bazooka muttered before he passed out.

"That's it! Get them! Get them!" Cobra Commander jumped with glee as Maximus threw Jinx and Snake Eyes aside. "Bring victory to Cobra!"

"This victory is for me!" Maximus snapped. "Give it up Duke! You're as weak as a guest's monologue on Saturday Night Live!"

"Never!" Duke got in a few good punches but was grabbed by Maximus.

"See what I mean?" Maximus growled. "Your forces will have no chance against my venomized troops!"

"**His **venomized troops?" Cobra Commander barked. Mindbender looked very nervous.

"Duke! Come in Duke!" Roadblock called in on his communicator. "We took care of the creeps but we kind of got another problem."

Dusty looked at the huge body of water that now separated the Joes from the Cobra base. "Way to go genius! Yeah melting the ice took care of the critters, but now we have no way to get to the base!"

"Sorry," Mainframe winced. "I told you computers are more my thing."

"Good!" Duke shouted. "Hawk's been transformed into some kind of monster! You have to retreat! That's an order!"

"But Duke…" Roadblock shouted.

"Now!" Duke shouted as Maximus grabbed him. "GO!"

Maximus threw Duke against and electrified panel, which knocked him out. "Well that was disappointing," The Baroness giggled. "I blinked and missed the floor show!"

"Let me dispose of Duke! Free of charge!" Destro grabbed Duke and looked very happy to do so.

"No," Maximus took Duke from him. "This one is mine!" He leaned closer to Destro. "And so's your girlfriend!"

"WHAT?" Destro snarled. "There's no way you are taking her!"

"Forget the Baroness!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Duke is mine for me to deal with as I see fit! Got it General?"

"Very well," Maximus growled. "For now."

"Uhh…" Jinx moaned. Snake Eyes got up as well. "Duke!"

"Jinx…Snake Eyes…" Duke moaned. "Get out of here!"

Snake Eyes grabbed Jinx and leapt out of the way of Maximus. Snake Eyes shoved her through an open-air vent and they escaped. "Get them! They're getting away!"

"They won't get far," The Baroness reported. "The Joes are retreating. And we now have a very nice moat around the base."

"Send some Snow Wolves to track them down," Maximus ordered. "Now, I need a drink!"

"Right this way," The Baroness latched onto his arm and showed him out of the command center.

"Did you see that?" Destro fumed. "Why that overgrown…"

"Never mind that," Cobra Commander waved. "Okay he has an attitude problem but at least he gets results!" He pointed to Duke and Bazooka. "And with him under my control nothing will stop us!"

"Yes but for how long will he remain under our control is another story," Destro folded his arms.

Meanwhile Jinx and Snake Eyes made their way along the vents. "I can't believe we just left Duke like that!"

Snake Eyes made some motions with his hands. "You're right," Jinx sighed. "There was no way we could beat that…Thing. Come on, maybe we can sneak around this place and rescue Bazooka and Duke." The two ninjas disappeared into the darkness of the base.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

_"Wait, in the movie they said Jinx and Snake Eyes escaped and left Duke behind," Avalanche said. _

_"Another piece of creative writing," Roadblock said. "They didn't want anyone to know what they **really saw!**" _

_"What? What happened?" Wavedancer asked. "What did they see?" _

_"Do we really have to tell them this?" Hawk moaned. _

_"Do you want **us **to tell them?" Trinity grinned in unison._

_"Oh god…" Hawk moaned. _

_"Well…" Roadblock winced. "It wasn't pretty." _

_&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&_

"And these will be your quarters," The Baroness escorted Maximus to a large room. "There's your uniform over there. And your closet. Your radio. And your bed…"

"Good," Maximus swept the Baroness off her feet.

"Wait a minute! Put me down!" The Baroness snapped.

"All right!" Maximus grinned and he dropped her on the bed.

"Now hold on here!" The Baroness snapped. "Just because you have rippling muscles and a powerful animal magnetism and…and broad shoulders and…Well just because you have all that doesn't mean I'm gonna just jump into bed with you. I am in a relationship! A rather one-sided relationship. A relationship where I give and give and give but does he reciprocate? No! He takes me for granted! Like I'm going to be right there waiting for him no matter how long it takes! I mean really! Do you have any idea what that man has put me through? All the stupid…What are you doing?"

Maximus turned on the radio. It started to play romantic music. "Just setting the mood babe."

"Okay now listen up pal! Even though I may be tempted to…To…You know? Give me one good reason why I should…" The Baroness began just before Maximus removed his pants. She stopped and stared. "Okay that's a very good reason….Can't really argue with that."

Meanwhile Snake Eyes and Jinx were crawling around in the air vents. "What's that noise?" Jinx whispered. "Is that Marvin Gaye? Looks like there's a room over there."

They crawled to the sound and looked in the vent. "Maximus!" Jinx hissed. "And…The **Baroness?**"

"Oh my! Oh my!" The Baroness squealed.

"Please tell me they're fighting…" Jinx winced. Snake Eyes shook his head no.

"Oh Maxy!" The Baroness giggled. "Take me you wild mad beast!"

"Oh god I am going to be violently ill…" Jinx moaned as she and Snake Eyes crawled away.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

_"YOU DID **WHAT?**" All the Misfits shouted at the same time. _

_"Don't make me say it again…" Hawk moaned. _

_"You got it on with the **Baroness?**" Scarlet Witch shouted. "Ewwwww!"_

_"THAT WAS MAXIMUS! NOT ME!" Hawk shouted._

_"Still…" Quicksilver winced. "Ewwwwwwwwww!" _

_"I know, I know…" Hawk moaned. "I still have nightmares about that!" _

_"No wonder you didn't want anyone to know!" Avalanche groaned. _

_"I'll bet Destro wasn't too happy about that!" Toad said._

_"No…He wasn't," Hawk sighed. _

**Hey I told you I was going to trash this! Sorry for any psychological scarrings! See the madness that happens next! **


	11. Nothing Goes Right Does It?

**Nothing Goes Right Does It?**

"I can't believe this!" Scarlet kicked a broken BAT head. "This base is completely totaled! It'll take months to rebuild! What else can go wrong?"

She heard something behind her. "Who's there?" She spun around and tackled the person behind her. "**You?** What are **you **doing here?"

"OW! OWIE! OWIE!" Dr. Talbot squirmed in her grasp. "Let go of me you brute!"

"Not until you explain what you're doing here!" Scarlet told him. "Civilians aren't allowed here!"

"Yeah like I'm the only one who broke that rule today!" Dr. Talbot snapped.

"I'm gonna break your arm if you don't start giving me answers," Scarlet snapped. "Question number one! What's a veterinarian from the National Zoo doing at an abandoned army base?"

"I'll bet whoever attacked my animals are the same one who trashed your secret base," Dr. Talbot said.

Scarlet let him go. "I don't know anything about a secret base."

"So the Cobras blew up this place for target practice?" Dr. Talbot asked. "Look I don't give a flying fish about the military or your secrets. The only reason I'm here is to find out why someone stole DNA samples from my animals!"

"How do you know it was Cobra?" Scarlet asked.

"This was my first clue," Dr. Talbot held up a broken BAT part with a Cobra insignia. "Look maybe I can help you figure out what's going on here! I'm not just a vet you know? I've got a degree in biochemistry and genetics."

"Then we could definitely use your help," Roadblock said. The other Joes had landed.

"Roadblock? Where's Duke? And Snake Eyes?" Scarlet asked.

"Uh…" Roadblock gulped. "Shipwreck you wanna take this one?"

"Nice try," Shipwreck folded his arms. "But I'm not gonna be the one to get beaten up. You tell her they got captured!"

"WHAT?" Scarlet shouted. She started to throttle Shipwreck.

"Jinx and Bazooka too," Alpine said. "And worse…Hawk's been mutated into some kind of monster."

"You wanna run that by me again?" Scarlet looked at them.

"Why do I have the feeling I should have stayed home and drank my vodka with some cocoa in it?" Dr. Talbot winced.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"What the hell is going on?" Wet Suit fiddled with the radio. "I can't raise the base!"

"Something really bad is going down," Deep Six frowned. "I'd bet a week's pay on it. And you know I'm not a gambling man!"

"Ooohhh," Dial Tone moaned. "Why am I still so seasick?"

"I think it has something to do with that clams and squid concoction Torpedo made," Deep Six told him. "I told you not to eat that!"

BOOM!

"What the heck was that?" Torpedo shouted.

"I think it has something to do with that hovercraft coming towards us and those guys firing lasers on the beach," Deep Six looked through his binoculars. "It's Flint and the others."

"Not all of them," Wet Suit looked through them next. "Tunnel Rat is missing!"

"Ahoy!" Flint shouted. "Your radio's working?"

"Sort of," Dial Tone said. "I think we lost our satellite connection."

"We lost more than that," Beach Head grumbled as the Joes boarded the craft. "Cobra captured our launch facility."

"Where the heck did you get that hovercraft?" Dial Tone asked.

"It used to be our jeep," Beach Head said.

"Good thing these babies are made with interchangeable parts," Gung Ho said pointing his thumb back at the mainland. "Of course it doesn't hurt to have the proper motivation."

"Well at least we got away from Cobra," Beach Head said. "They didn't follow us when we hit the water. I wonder why?"

"Maybe they're afraid of water?" Gung Ho asked.

Flint saw a shadow pass underneath their craft. "Or something in it."

"RARRRR!" Something green leapt high into the air and boarded their vessel. It was wearing a Cobra uniform and it looked like it was related to the Creature of the Black Lagoon. Several other creatures leapt up as well and boarded.

"Get off the boat fist face!" Flint went to hit one of them only to have it grab his hand and give him some kind of electrical shock.

"Flint! Don't touch those things! They're like electric eels!" Dial Tone shouted.

"Really?" Flint moaned. "I never would have guessed!"

Gung Ho grabbed a barrel and threw it right at two of the creatures. The metal barrel caused the creatures to short circuit and fall back into the water. "Gung Ho you're a genius!" Beach Head shouted. "Get some metal between them and they'll short circuit each other!"

"Oh I really don't feel well…" Dial Tone moaned. Suddenly a Cobra creature popped up in front of him and he threw up on him. The creature leapt away screaming.

"That'll work too," Beach Head winced.

Flint managed to recover and hit another Cobra monster hard so it was knocked out on the boat. "You know now would be a good time to retreat!"

"Let's get out of here!" Gung Ho said revving up the engine. "We got some planes stashed on the target island!"

"The target island where we hit it with the marshmallow fluff?" Flint asked.

"Oh I think I'm gonna be sick again…" Dial Tone moaned.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

At the captured Joe Base in Brazil…

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SLEPT WITH HIM!" Destro roared at the Baroness. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?"

"It wasn't easy after the fifth time but…" The Baroness yawned.

"AGGHHHHHH!" Destro grabbed a computer nearby and trashed it.

"Oh are you upset?" The Baroness grinned.

"UPSET? UPSET! UPSET?" Destro shouted as he threw what was left of the computer into a wall. "I'm a bit miffed, yes!"

"Good!" The Baroness snapped. "What goes around comes around and you've had this coming for a long time!"

"You tell him Girlfriend!" Slice called out.

"Testify!" Slash said.

"SHUT UP!" Destro shouted.

"What is taking so long Mindbender?" Cobra Commander snapped as he walked into the Brazil Launch Base with the Cobra scientist. "I need more venom to make more troopers!"

"We lost too many BATS in Antarctica," Mindbender said. "I need more lab workers."

"FACE IT DESTRO YOU'LL NEVER BE HALF THE MAN MAXY IS!" The Baroness screamed.

"MAXY? **_MAXY?_**" Destro screamed. "TECHNICALLY HE'S NOT EVEN A REAL MAN AT ALL! HE'S A GENETIC MONSTROSITY!"

"Oh he is man enough where it counts Destro," The Baroness purred. "Trust me on this!"

"Not to mention I need those **two **out of my lab," Mindbender groaned. "Even the BATS can't help but watch them!"

"You conniving, selfish wench!" Destro shouted. "Everything we've been through was a fake wasn't it!"

"No, only the parts where we went to bed," The Baroness said. "But with Maximus, I don't have to!"

"AHHHHHGGGGHHHH!" Destro ripped out another control panel and stomped on it.

"It is rather mesmerizing isn't it?" Cobra Commander said to Mindbender. "Wait a minute…DESTRO! STOP DESTROYING OUR EQUIPMENT! YOU'RE DELAYING MY CONQUEST OF THE WORLD!"

"Well it seems that Venomous Maximus has conquered the Baroness' heart," Slice said.

"How romantic!" Slash grinned.

"I believe I am going to be violently ill…" Cobra Commander groaned.

"Yo! What's all the racket here?" Maximus strode in wearing a black and gold armored uniform with a long black cape.

"DIE!" Destro lunged at Maximus. Maximus simply grabbed him and threw him headfirst into a wall. "Ow…"

"What's **his** problem?" Maximus asked.

"That would take a chalkboard and several hours to explain," The Baroness purred as she sided up to him.

"Venomous Maximus I command you to assist Mindbender!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Yo! Shaddap Chrome Dome!" Maximus sneered as he shoved Cobra Commander and Mindbender aside. "I command **my** army, **my** way! I assist no one! So shove it!"

"You…" Cobra Commander tried to use the Fangblade on him only to have it knocked out of his hands. "Uh oh…"

"Yeah uh oh," Maximus growled as he shoved Cobra Commander. "From now on **I'm **running this joint? Got it?"

"You can't do this to…Urk!" Maximus grabbed Cobra Commander by the lapel. "Okay technically you **can** do this…"

"After Cobra has dealt with GI Joe! I will deal with **you!"** Maximus sneered as he dropped him. He stormed away.

"Wait Maxy!" The Baroness cooed as she chased after him. "Oh Maxy!"

"He's too powerful!" Mindbender snapped. "I warned you this would happen! But did you listen to me? Nooooooo!"

"Quiet! We'll use your monstrosity to destroy GI Joe and then Venomous Maximus will face my wrath!" Cobra Commander said.

"Not if I get my hands on him first!" Destro snarled as he picked himself up.

**Next: More trouble and more madness. So what else is new? **


	12. Time To Turn Things Around

**Time To Turn Things Around**

"Okay where the hell are we?" Dr. Talbot looked at the barren desert ground below. "There's nothing around here for miles!"

"Dr. Talbot…" Scarlet sighed as she flew the plane.

"Call me Link," He waved.

"Link," Scarlet looked at him. "I said it was a 'secret' base," She made her fingers into quotations to emphasize the point. "What? Did you really expect a big sign or something Secret GI Joe Ultimate Base?"

She landed on a patch of land right next to a single cactus. Suddenly the ground below them began to sink. "What the…?"

"Welcome to our secondary secret base," Scarlet grinned. "Next stop the Pit II!"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

_"The Pit II?" Avalanche asked. "Hold on, I thought you said the Pit got trashed! Which one's the real Pit?" _

_"Actually there were two Pits at one time," Hawk explained. "The one you live in now and a secondary back up base."_

_"What happened to the back up base?" Avalanche asked._

_"It kind of…Blew up," Wavedancer winced. _

_"How could it blow up?" The Scarlet Witch asked. Then everyone looked at Trinity. "Oh…" _

_"We were only three at the time!" Daria snapped. _

_"It could have happened to any genius," Brittany said._

_"At least we found a lot of oil," Quinn said. "And some other stuff…" _

_"Man this movie really did fool around with the truth didn't it?" Wavedancer groaned. _

_"Yeah and did you notice how that actress who played Jinx sounded exactly like Jean?" Quicksilver asked. "Scary." _

_"Can we get back to the story here?" Roadblock asked. "Anyway we asked Link to study all our stuff on Cobra's new plot. And what we asked of him was a lot." _

_&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&_

"That's everything Link," Scarlet said. "So what's your take on it?"

"I don't know how it's possible but those soldiers seem to be humans enhanced with animal DNA," Link said as he looked at the monitor deep in the confines of the Joes' secret base. "From what I've seen here, arctic wolves."

"Can you reverse the process?" Scarlet asked.

"I really don't know," Link said. "Technically I suppose it's possible. But I doubt these things will stand in line for a shot."

"Doc you invent the cure, I'll invent the delivery system," Mainframe said.

"Well first we need a sample," Link told him.

"Is that all?" Flint said as he and the other Joes strode in. They were carrying one of the Cobra troopers. "You should have seen the one that got away."

"Great to see you guys," Scarlet said. "We were wondering what happened to you. And why are you covered in marshmallow?"

"Long story…" Flint groaned.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"There is no door…" Bazooka said, appearing to be in a deep trance. He picked up his bazooka and fired.

BOOM!

"Well there isn't **now!**" Duke said. "Good work Bazooka!"

"Yeah well if it wasn't for us, you guys would still be in the cell," Jinx told him. "Good thing Snake Eyes and I stayed behind."

"Where's Cobra Commander?" Duke asked.

"Gone," Jinx said as they made their way to the command center. "Along with Hawk and everyone else."

"What do you mean?" Bazooka asked.

"They just loaded everyone up and took off," Jinx said. "Snake Eyes stuck a tracer on them."

"Good work," Duke said as they entered the command center. "We'd better call the Joes for backup!"

"This place is so empty," Jinx looked around. Snake Eyes however tensed.

"They've taken Hawk and everything else!" Duke said. "But why just leave us here?"

"Who cares?" Bazooka turned on the console. "I think this still works."

Snake Eyes suddenly drew his sword. "What is it Snake?" Duke asked. Then he saw a pair of green glowing eyes in the shadows. "Oh boy…Something tells me this base isn't completely deserted!"

That's when the monitor crackled to life. "Calling all GI Joes!" Cobra Commander cackled. "It's time to tune to the Cobra Channel!"

"I always said there was nothing good on TV," Jinx grumbled.

"Today for your viewing pleasure we present the first and last episode of something new. Something I call a reality show because this stuff happens to real people! It's called…No Survivors! Pretty catchy huh? Maybe I should market that?"

"He seriously needs to get a new scriptwriter," Jinx grumbled.

"Like all good shows this one ends with a **bang!"** Cobra Commander cackled with glee as he set off the explosives with a push of the button.


	13. Time For Things To Go Boom

**Time For Things To Go Boom**

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT ONE WAS A DUD!" Cobra Commander screamed as he rapidly pushed the buttons. "WHO'S THE GENIUS WHO SET UP THE EXPLOSIONS IN THE FIRST PLACE?"

Two BATS pointed at each other. "Never mind!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We have a backup right? It'll take **how** long? AGGHH! Doesn't anything go right around here?" He turned to the monitor. "Could you hold please? We seem to be having some technical difficulties!"

He turned around and started shouting. "All I ask of you people is to do everything I want when I want it! Is that so much to ask?"

"And all **I **want is to wring Venomous Maximus by the neck!" Destro shouted off camera.

"Well maybe if you didn't take me for granted…" The Baroness could be heard screaming. So were the sounds of lasers.

"WILL YOU TWO FOOLS STOP SHOOTING AT EACH OTHER!" Cobra Commander screamed. "GREAT! YOU JUST BLEW UP ANOTHER PIECE OF OUR EQUIPMENT! IT'S A WONDER ANYTHING WORKS AT ALL AROUND HERE! I HAVE HALF A MIND TO…"

Suddenly a technician ran up to him and whispered something. "What do you mean we're still on the air?" Cobra Commander snapped. He looked at the monitor again. "Oops…"

Then the monitor turned off. "I think we should go now," Bazooka said.

"First we should deal with that!" Jinx pointed to the shadows where a pair of bright green eyes blinked at them. The Joes prepared to fight. But they weren't prepared for what happened next.

Out of the shadows crawled a ten-month old baby. She was wearing a little pink shirt and a diaper but the extraordinary thing about her was that she was part tiger with a cute tail. She had big green eyes and a pink bow in her hair. She looked up at the adults with amusement.

"What the…?" Duke blinked.

"Gah!" The cute cat baby cooed.

"Oh great!" Duke picked her up.

"Where did she come from?" Jinx asked.

"She must have got loose somehow when they were transporting the others," Duke guessed. "Ow! She's teething!"

"Come on we'd better move it before Chrome Dome figures out the self destruct codes," Jinx said. "I think there are some vehicles left in the hangar!"

They all raced to the hangar. "I don't see anything," Bazooka looked around.

"There's an abandoned Cobra plane there!" Jinx pointed to a Night Adder. "Come on!"

"You think we can all fit in this?" Duke said.

"Only one way to find out," Jinx said as they all got in. "OW!"

"Sorry," Bazooka apologized. "Didn't mean to put my foot there."

"Watch it!" Duke said. "Okay somebody has to hold the kid here!"

"Meow! Gah bah!" The baby cooed.

"Ow! My arm is not for teething!" Jinx said.

"Let's just get out of here," Duke managed to find the starter but nothing happened.

"What's wrong? Are we out of fuel?" Bazooka asked.

"I think I just figured out the reason it was abandoned," Duke groaned. "The starter's broken."

"I can hotwire it!" Bazooka leaned over.

"OW! Watch it!" Jinx snapped.

"Ooof!" Duke moaned as Bazooka accidentally elbowed him. "Bazooka!"

"Ow!" Jinx moaned as the baby squirmed. "Somebody get this kid's tail out of my mouth! Blech!"

"All right! We're back!" Cobra Commander's voice was heard. "Okay where did they go?"

"Bazooka…" Duke gulped.

"Almost," Bazooka worked on it.

"Look I know you Joes are in there somewhere!" Cobra Commander shouted. "The scanners say you're in there…"

"Got it!" Bazooka finished.

"Finally!" Duke managed to turn on the engine and it started to take off.

"In fact you're right in the…Hangar!" Cobra Commander screamed. "DETONATE THE BOMB! DETONATE THE BOMB!"

"Go! Go! Go!" Bazooka screamed.

"I'm going!" Duke flew the plane.

BOOM!

The base exploded just as the plane took off out of the hangar. "ALL RIGHT WHICH ONE OF YOU IDIOTS LEFT THE HANGAR DOORS OPEN WHEN WE LEFT?" Cobra Commander screamed at his lackeys.

"Now that was a close call," Duke sighed as he flew away. "Bazooka! Get your foot out of my eye!"

_&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&_

_"Okay now we **know** there wasn't any baby in the movie!" Toad shouted. _

_"And knowing is…" Blob began._

_"Don't say it!" Hawk groaned. _

_"Like I said before, there is a reason we left that part out!" Roadblock told them. _

_"Which is?" Avalanche asked._

_"We're getting to it," Hawk said. "Well a few hours later…" _

_&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&_

"You find anything?" Scarlet asked Link.

"Brilliant genetic engineering," Link said as he studied his sample under a microscope. "But it looks like there's one critical flaw. Looks like a simple amino acid substitution will be able to reverse his condition. I think. Odd that someone would make such an amateur mistake."

"No surprise," Mainframe scoffed. "Mindbungler's short a few circuits in his motherboard if you ask me." He was fooling around with a paintball gun. "I just wish we knew what happened to Duke and the others."

"Hey! We're getting a signal!" Dial Tone shouted. "A Cobra Night Adder is flying in but we're getting a GI Joe signal code!"

"That's gotta be Duke and the others!" Roadblock shouted. "Come on we gotta welcome our brothers!"

"Calling GI Joe!" Duke called. "Calling GI…OW!"

"Sorry!" Bazooka said.

"So what's going on down there?" Duke asked. "You having a party down there or something?"

"We are now!" Roadblock laughed.

Soon the Joes had landed and were catching up on what was going on."Got another little patient for you," Jinx held the happy tiger baby.

"Just when I think Cobra couldn't sink any lower," Flint growled.

"Where do you think she came from?" Roadblock asked.

"She must have been one of the kids taken from those towns," Duke said as he looked at her. "Cobra must have infused her with tiger DNA. Poor little thing…"

"Well we'll take good care of…OW!" Roadblock yelled as he was handed the little bundle of joy.

"Oh yeah, she's teething," Duke explained. "Now what's going on here?"

"Cobra completely overran our base in South America," Flint told Duke.

"So that's where their new base is," Duke thought. "With our launcher Cobra can venomize entire cities all over the world, making innocent civilians their monster slaves!"

"Like that little baby," Bazooka said.

"Yeah like her," Duke nodded.

"Even if I find an antidote, there's not enough to save everyone in the world," Link told them.

"Which means it's up to us!" Duke said. "We have to stop Cobra once and for all, before they use that launcher!"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"Let's hope this does the trick," Link injected the antidote into the prisoner.

The prisoner convulsed and returned back to human form. "Dude like where am I?" The man moaned. "Wow, what a trip!"

"It worked!" Link said.

"Now all I gotta do is figure out a delivery system," Mainframe looked at his paint gun. He splattered a picture of Cobra Commander on the wall. "And I think I've just found it."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Meanwhile back at the Brazil base…

"Cobra Commander the launch will be ready in one hour," Destro told Cobra Commander.

"You said that two hours ago!" Cobra Commander snapped. "What kept you?"

"AND ANOTHER THING…"The Baroness could be heard yelling. "MAXIMUS IS A LOT MORE SENSITVE TO MY NEEDS THAN YOU EVER WERE!"

"WILL YOU STIFLE YOURSELF WOMAN!" Destro shouted back.

"Besides **that** I mean," Cobra Commander groaned.

"Well…" Destro began.

"Wapner…no Wapner…" Overkill walked by buzzing. "Need my Wapner! No reason to live without Wapner! Or Vanna White. Gotta have my Vanna While. Wheel…Of…Fortune!"

"Okay," Cobra Commander said. "Give me another reason."

"You see…" Destro tried again.

"No, no, no! We said Imperial Silver should be on the walls!" Slash shouted at the Cobra Troops. "Slice picked it out himself!"

"This is Emperor Silver!" Slice shouted. "It doesn't even go with the curtains Slice picked out!" He was carrying some fabric.

"Curtains?" Cobra Commander blinked.

"Just because it's an evil command center in order to take over the world…" Slash began.

"That's no reason to not make it a gorgeous work environment," Slice said. "Ooh! And I found this adorable teddy bear which would make a marvelous centerpiece!"

"Okay you made your point!" Cobra Commander groaned at Destro.

"Actually the real reason is that we've caught a spy," Destro told him.

"Fine I'll pretend **that's** the real reason we've been delayed," Cobra Commander sounded relieved.

Tunnel Rat was dragged out. "You snakes are not gonna get away with this!"

"Uh, yes I believe we are," Destro chuckled.

"Why don't we give this rodent a front row seat for our very first launch?" Cobra Commander cackled.

**Next: The Big Battle! And it's gonna be different than the movie! He he…**


	14. Time For Cobra To Get It's Butt Kicked

**Time For Cobra To Get It's Butt Kicked**

_"Then the Joes decided to go track down Cobra and fight the climatic battle," Roadblock added. "We had enough of them treating people like cattle." _

_"Oh yeah, that's when Cobra got their butts kicked in a huge way!" Toad nodded. "We saw the movie. That's kind of how it happened right?" _

_"Well sort of. You remember that really complicated big battle scene at the end of the movie?" Hawk said. _

_"Yeah," Avalanche said. "What about it?"_

_"The real battle…Wasn't so complicated," Hawk admitted._

_&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&_

"SGT. SNUFFLES!" Beach Head screamed.

Cobra soldiers and BATs were flying everywhere as Beach Head decked them. He had single handedly cleared a path through them into the temple. "Hey Beach! Save some for the rest of us!" Duke shouted as he shot a downed Cobra venomized soldier with a paintball antidote.

"I dunno," Roadblock shot another unconscious trooper and watched him change back. "It's kind of like shooting fish in a barrel."

"But it's not fun," Bazooka sighed as he casually shot two more unconscious mutated soldiers. "Where's the challenge?"

"Yeah maybe telling him that they were probably torturing Sgt. Snuffles was a bad idea," Alpine agreed.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON OUT THERE?" Cobra Commander screamed from inside the fortress.

"The Joes are attacking!" Mindbender shouted. "They've breached the walls!"

"Well **do** something then!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Send out the BATS! Send out our venomized troops!"

"We did!" Mindbender pointed to the screen. "But they're…"

BOOM!

"Not holding them off…" Mindbender groaned.

"What's worse, it seems that the Joes have created an antidote to our venimization process!" Destro called out.

"WHAT?" Cobra Commander screamed. "AND YOU CALL YOURSELF A GENIUS? MINDBENDER YOU SAID THIS PROCESS WAS PERMANENT!"

"I said it was **probably** permanent!" Mindbender shouted. "Based on the results on some of my early…"

"Shove it!" Cobra Commander snapped as he started to throttle Mindbender. "I'm sick and tired of your excuses!"

"Commander I think right now our focus should be on defending our base instead of strangling Mindbender," Destro stopped him.

BOOM!

"Perhaps you're right," Cobra Commander muttered as he let Mindbender go.

"Stand by for primary launch sequence!" Destro pushed several buttons on the control panel. "On my mark! We have eleven minutes until launch! At the very least we can hit Cleveland!"

BOOM!

"YO JOE!" The Joes stormed in and started to fight. Fortunately they didn't have much to do thanks to a certain ranger.

"AAHHHHH!" Beach Head tore into the Cobra troopers with relative ease.

"Never mess between Beach Head and his bear," Roadblock blinked. "He's really kicking Cobra derrière!"

"This is so humiliating…" Cobra Commander moaned as Duke, Roadblock and Scarlet made their way up to the control tower while Beach Head did his one man army thing down below.

"How do you think **we** feel?" Duke snapped at him. "Now where's Hawk?"

Suddenly Duke was grabbed from behind. "Oh there he is…" Duke gulped.

"Venomous Maximus! For the Glory of Cobra we need you!" Cobra Commander shouted.

"Aw shaddap!" Maximus snapped as he threw Duke into him. "I don't need a wuss like you!"

"You can't do this!" Cobra Commander pushed Duke off him.

"Yeah I think I just did," Maximus huffed.

"I control the Fang…" Cobra Commander pointed his staff at Maximus who broke it with one hand. "Blade?"

"Now I'm the one who's gonna control **you!**" Maximus shouted.

Meanwhile outside the base, two planes flew overhead and unloaded the antidote from above, changing several troopers back to their normal forms. "A rainforest?" One trooper blinked. "In Siberia?"

"Something tells me we ain't in Nebraska no more," Another one said.

Meanwhile at the launch tube. Slash and Slice had tied up Tunnel Rat to the launch tube. "Poor poor Mr. Rat…" Slash chuckled.

"It hurts just to look…" Slice snickered.

"Here's a little friend to keep you company," Slash stuffed Sgt. Snuffles into Tunnel Rat's shirt.

"Ha ha," Tunnel Rat said dryly. "Very funny! You won't be laughing when the Joes kick your butts!"

"Oh we are so scared…" Slice grinned.

"You should be…" Jinx appeared with her sword drawn.

"One GI Joe against the both of us?" Both Slash and Slice asked.

"Actually…" Jinx grinned as Snake Eyes appeared.

"Uh oh…" Both gulped. The ninjas went into a furious battle.

"Uh excuse me!" Tunnel Rat called out. "Joe tied up to a weapon about to explode here! Hello? Could somebody give me a hand here?"

Meanwhile the Joes tried vainly to attack Maximus who laughed. "You think you can beat me? Ha! Soon I'll conquer both Cobra and GI Joe! And best of all I'll score with Destro's girl every night! Or until I get bored with her and get something better."

"WHAT?" Both Destro and the Baroness shouted.

"Score with…**my** girl?" Destro snarled.

"Something **better**…" The Baroness growled. "NOBODY USES THE BARONESS! NOBODY!" She raced to Maximus and gave him a good kick in the breadbasket.

"YEOWWW!" Maximus doubled over.

"EAT ANTIDOTE!" Destro grabbed one of the antidote paintball guns from Duke and started to shoot at Maximus.

"BYE BYE BOZO!" The Baroness grabbed another paintball gun from Scarlet and started to fire at him at the same time.

"Here," Roadblock handed Cobra Commander an antidote gun as well.

"DIE! DIE! DIE!" Cobra Commander shot at Maximus. "Hey! This isn't a real gun!"

"Agghgghhh!" Maximus reverted back to General Hawk.

"Note to self," Cobra Commander grumbled. "Never mutate General Hawk into an ultimate soldier again!"

"Man nobody is gonna believe this," Roadblock shook his head. "Who'd have thought Cobra would help us?"

"We didn't! We helped ourselves!" Destro snapped. "It doesn't matter anyway! The HALO will launch right about…" He looked at the control panel only to see Gary nibbling on the wires. "OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"

"GARY! NO! DON'T EAT THE WIRES!" Cobra Commander screamed.

"YEEEP!" Gary screamed as he got shocked.

"Launch cancelled…" The Computer intoned.

"Thank goodness," Duke sighed. "Disaster was averted!"

"WHERE'S SGT.SNUFFLES!" Beach Head ran in screaming.

"On the other hand…" Duke winced as Beach Head tackled Destro and Cobra Commander and started to pummel them.

"WHERE IS SGT. SNUFFLES? GIVE ME SGT. SNUFFLES!" Beach Head punched Destro and Cobra Commander and threw them against each other.

"WHO THE HELL IS SGT. SNUFFLES?" Cobra Commander screamed.

"You don't wanna know…" Hawk moaned. "Duke what happened?"

"You went away for a while but you're back now," Duke explained.

"Oh my god…" Hawk moaned. "I just remembered what I did as Venomous Maximus! I need a shower! Several showers!"

"Did anyone find a teddy bear in a little camouflage suit?" Roadblock called out. "Answers to the name Sgt. Snuffles!"

"You gotta be kidding!" Cobra Commander shouted. "What kind of stupid…?"

"DON'T CALL SGT. SNUFFLES STUPID!" Beach Head shouted.

"FOR GOD'S SAKE SOMEONE GIVE HIM THE DAMN BEAR!" Destro screamed.

"You mean this bear?" Tunnel Rat walked in with the ninjas.

"SGT. SNUFFLES!" Beach Head dropped the two Cobras and ran to his bear.

"RUN! RUN!" Cobra Commander screamed as the Cobra High Command fled, knocking down any Joes in their way. Mindbender and the Baroness followed them. "RUN AWAY FROM THESE NUTS!"

"They're getting away!" Roadblock shouted.

BOOM!

"What the…?" Duke looked outside through the window. "BAZOOKA! YOU BLEW UP THE HALO!"

"Duke…" Hawk sighed. "I don't feel very well…"

"It's good to have you back sir," Duke said.

"It's good to be back," Hawk sighed. He winced as another explosion was heard from outside. "I think…"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

_"So that's how the battle really went down?" Toad asked. "That was different than what we saw. But I get why you changed stuff around." _

_"Like anyone would admit our secret weapon was an insane Ranger with a teddy bear fixation," Roadblock groaned. _

_"Or a hyperactive mutated sloth man…" Hawk moaned. _

_"But there's one thing I don't get…" Blob said._

_"One thing?" Dragonfly asked._

_"What was that business with the kids?" Blob asked. "That little tiger baby for example." _

_"Well that's not the end of the story," Hawk said. "You see…" _


	15. But That's Not The End of The Story

**But That's Not Really The End**

"Well are all the civilians ready to return to their homes?" General Hawk asked after the battle. They were at a nearby base where they could get proper medical treatment.

"Not exactly," Scarlet held the baby tiger girl in her arms. "We seem to have a few more patients."

"I'm afraid I have some bad news," Link sighed. "The antidote doesn't effect her. Or any of the other children. For some reason, the venomization has permanently attached to the DNA of anyone 16 and under."

"So there's no cure?" Scarlet asked.

"I'm afraid not," Link said. "And any attempt to try it again might kill them. They're all mutants now."

"How many?" Hawk asked.

"85," Link sighed. "Of those we recovered."

"At least 33 people are still missing," Duke said. "No doubt taken to other Cobra bases."

"That sloth guy disappeared during the commotion," Roadblock said. "Hard to believe a sloth could run so fast."

"What will happen to the kids?" Scarlet asked.

"I've already spoken with some of the town leaders," Link said. "Fortunately they don't blame us and they've agreed to keep the kids a secret. The towns are isolated enough so that they can grow up in peace."

"It's when they become adults that's got me worried," Hawk frowned.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

The Present:

"So **that's** why they didn't mention the kids in the movie," Wavedancer said. "Now it makes sense!"

"So there's been a whole bunch of mutant kids running around all this time?" Toad asked.

"Yes, most of them have been in hiding back in their home towns with their families," Hawk said. "However the Soviet Union immediately took all their children into custody when they were returned."

"No doubt to be part of a super solider program," Avalanche growled.

"Even when the Soviet Union broke up a lot of those kids still ended up in the care of whoever was in charge or some general. From what we've heard, a lot of those kids are now officers or spies for the current government," Hawk told them. "Some of them just managed to 'disappear' somehow. It's rumored that a few of them are mercenaries."

"No wonder there are so many mutant kids popping up now," The Scarlet Witch thought aloud. "Between Cobra and all the other governments secretly working on mutations…"

"If the public ever found out about that, there'd be a panic," Hawk said. "And the kids we've been hiding would be the target of witchhunts."

"Or Cobra," Wavedancer frowned. "Like me and my family."

"So now do you kids see why we can't tell the public the entire truth?" Hawk asked.

"Yeah," Blob nodded. "If people knew I slept with the Baroness I'd be scarred for life."

"Boy did I pick the wrong week to give up drinking," Hawk moaned.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Somewhere in a Cobra Base…

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT MAN! I HAVE HAD IT!" The Baroness slammed the door to the lab.

"Trouble in paradise again?" Mindbender sighed.

"I have had it with Destro!" The Baroness snapped. "Mindbender remember that little vial I asked you to hold onto?"

"Look I told you I'd replace your mocha cappuchino ice cream smoothie by the end of the day," Mindbender said.

"Not that one!" The Baroness snapped. "Remember you acquired some of Venomous Maximus' genetic material before he turned back into that GI Joker?"

"Third one from the right in the freezer," Mindbender sighed. "I still remember how hard it was to get that sample. Why do you want it?"

"You know they say a good man is hard to find," The Baroness grinned as she looked at the vial. "So why not make one?"

**Definitely not the end! Will there be a sequel or something? Who knows? He he…**


End file.
